Dysfunctional Diva

As you may have guessed I am clearing out my “Draft folder”. I had started these posts but for some reason I never finished. Well since I am quarantined with no sign of being furloughed I will take care of this task.

My dad has been gone for about 15 years now and yet I still find myself reaching for the phone and call him when something is wrong. Or when something is going great. It is a force of habit that I have not been able to break and I don’t think that I want to. Even though I don’t recall his phone number, I still want to call him up.

I still want to call my mom too and she is still alive but no longer with me if you will. I have lost her to Dementia and she no longer remembers me. I want to talk to her and tell her about my health issues. I would love to ask her about her health issues. Just talk about day to day stuff.

It was nothing for us to talk for an hour or more. You automatically knew that an hour would be spent . Now whenever my mom is lucid, I will spend three hours on our conversation. Granted most of the time it is repeated but I would not change it for anything in this world.
But what I miss the most when it comes to both of parents is the laughter. I could get both of them to laugh and they could they bring me to tears. We were serious when needed but we were generally laughing. Humor played a major role in our lives. I truly miss that aspect. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

No matter what age you are, you are NEVER too old for your momma or pops. NEVER!!!

I still sent each one birthday cards, holiday cards, and mothers/fathers day cards. Never missing one. I bought them a gift for said holiday too. I also sent them cards on Easter. This was because of the religious aspect of the holiday. I also called them on them said holidays too.

This was done out of respect. When my dad passed I found a box that containedevery card that I had ever sent him.. If you ever wondered if those cards meant anything to your parent(s)? Ask them if they have a box…? Because you will see things in a different way. However, when you have children of your own and they don’t send you a card you will feel a feeling that is unlike anything you have ever felt.

It doesn’t take much to purchase a $2.00 card ,hell you can even make one!!! Then write something inside of it. Mail it. You are done. Those few minutes of your time will mean the world to your parents. It will make their day.

It would be even better if you were able to call them. Give them a 5 minute phone call. Because if you don’t think that they aren’t sitting on the phone waiting and hoping, you are sadly mistaken. They have dedicated their entire day to watching the phone and making sure that it works.

You will be there one day…

And I hope that you never have to go through that kind of hurt.

Especially when you keep it to yourself because thats what we do as parents. We don’t whine or piss and moan. We hope that our kids realize the oversight on their own…….because they will…

Right?

I have lost my material things so many times in my life and I have had to start over from nothing. They were just things. Clothes, furniture, things like that. You can get those things replaced by going to Goodwill and Salvation Army and yard sales.

I had my daughters and myself and that was all that mattered. God would provide me with the rest. I never begged for anything, I made due with what I had. I worked two jobs to support myself and my two daughters. It was just the three of us. But we made it.

I see people who use others for their own gain. They use people to get things. And they do not feel any guilt whatsoever. The only hard part they put into anything is, the begging and the guilt trips. I am not like that. I can sleep at night knowing that I worked for what I wanted. I earned what I got.

I never lied to get anything either. I have never cheated anyone to get something. I have never bullied a person to get a thing. I can honestly say that my conscience is clean. I am honest.

It took me five years to get my SSDI because I did it honestly. I never lied about anything. Even when I was raising my daughters by myself, I never collected welfare because I was not going to be a statistic. (teenage mom on welfare). Not once, even when I was struggling, did I seek out the aid of the state.

So, I am attempting to create this campaign to obtain this wonderful contraption that will assist me in building up my muscles. It will liberate me with my mobility. I will be able to get out of the wheelchair and away from the rollator. I will be able to build up my muscles and my lung capacity.

My goal is to get back to driving myself to my appointments again and going to places that I used to before MS slowly robbed me of them. I aim to get back some of my independence and freedom back. Hell just making it to the bathroom in time would be awesome!!!

But do I need to release all of my contacts from each of my emails to the campaign in order to get things started? I don’t want to pressure my friends to donate because I know that times are tough for them. Plus I don’t want to know who does or doesn’t want to be included or involved in this adventure.

Yet am I denying those who may want to help me with this?

I wonder if I should just save up to get it? Just like I have always done. If I had wanted something, I would save for it. I never had a credit card nor did I go in debt for it. I saved the money. It would take months or years but I would save. I never begged or borrowed money from anyone. I never owed anything to anyone.

My MS isn’t going anywhere so I have plenty of time to save. I have nothing but time. And besides, I will not be harassing anyone in the process.

What to do, what to do…….🤔

It’s been awhile since I have written anything here,and for that I apologize. I don’t know who I am apologizing to really because I am public. But for those that do read do read my posts,

THANK YOU! IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

So, as you are well aware, I have an aggressive form of progressive primary multiple sclerosis. Please do me a favor and educate yourself on this disease. Because MS is not the disease that Jerry Lewis has a tele-thon for. No I cannot walk it off, it is not all in my head, every persons ms is different, and I will not grow out of it.

The Covid 19 virus has finally plateaued, or so we all hope an pray. Most people are or have received the two required shots. I have opted not to get mine. This was a decision that was approved by my primary care physician. There are still far too many unwanted variables that both sides are debating on and it is not 100%. No thanks, I will wait.

The virus hasn’t helped things any. In fact it has modified them to a whole new level. I was feeling like a leper before the virus took place, even though MS is NOT contagious. I repeat,MS IS NOT CONTAGIOUS! Then along comes the virus and the excuses not to visit me are justified and excusable. But hey I am an introvert so I don’t like people anyways. It’s a win win.

But just in case anyone is wondering, I will not talk about my disease or how I am feeling. I will not bitch and moan about how it has robbed me or how it is unfair. Not once will anyone hear me talk about the loneliness and depression are haunting me damn near on a weekly basis. However, I have an awesome game face and no one will be the wisest.

Oh,I can hear some of you get up on your soapbox and state “hey the phone lines run both ways.You can easily call me first or text or email me. Blah blah blah.” True. But let me explain something to you. It isn’t that easy for me sometimes. So many times I get stuck on stupid.I literally forget how to do simple tasks.

I can’t talk sometimes. My hands or fingers will not work. Sometimes I lose my voice. Sometimes I forget how to text or answer my phone. It is not that I am intentionally being rude, I am truly unable to do the most simple tasks. But I very seldom will reveal my weaknesses or handicap.

My husband who is also my caregiver is stressed beyond belief because he just wishes someone would give him some relief from me. That is my next post. I am now going to be searching for and hiring a housekeeper and babysitter. If I dont do this ,my next step is placing myself in an assisted living facility. For a couple of days.

So, I am still here. Where are you?

With that being said . I don’t have warning labels but if you know me then you already know the crucial one.

DO NOT PUT ME ON SPEAKER PHONE!!

I am generally respectful if I am aware of my audience but if I am talking to you on the phone..welllll… I need to be warned ahead of time. If you cannot provide me that one small allowance, then don’t be offended if I say something that gives you a major Butt Hurt. ( this was revised,editted, deleted,and cancy coated to protect your nampy pampy ass).. Even I am fair.

Now be forewarned, this here is my blog. You are here because you choose to be. I say what I want yet you are more than welcome to speak your mind. This is a Safe Place.

I dont get easily offended. So that is something to remember while you are here. But I ask you to have the common courtesy to let me know if I offended you. Don’t stop talking to me with no reason and don’t hang up on me without any just cause. Especially if I reach out to you. And don’t snub me.

I do have feelings and i do expect respect. Treat me like I treat you.

I am not a phony person. I am not a two faced person either. I do not use people for my own advantages. I can see a bullshitter from a mile away. And I have no problem calling them out on their shit. I am a loyal friend. I keep secrets. I have your back when no one else does. I am the person who will pay for someones groceries.

I know a lot of people but have very few friends. I can count on one hand all of the people who I can trust. I don’t reach out like I should but it is not because I don’t have anyone, it is because of my past life. I have been burnt, betrayed, let down, left behind,and forgotten.

I have been the only one who was there for myself for so long that some things ( habits) are hard to break. Even after all these years. I no longer get my hopes up for anything because that wsy i will never be disappointed. In reality i am the only left hurt.

Alright enough of this temper tantrum. Thanks for listening.

So you remember me telling you that I had lost 100 pounds.? But I was gaining it back thanks to MS. Well I continued to gain weight even though I barely eat. I do not drink soda or pop ( wherever you are from) . I no longer eat sugar or salt. I have been religious on portion control without even realizing it. I do however, leave one bite on my plate. ALWAYS.

Oh, I read about doing that somewhere that it showed that you had discipline.

I was becoming more mobile which I was thanking my infusions.Yet I noticed that my feet were swollen. My primary put me on water pills and scheduling tests. She then referred me to a Vein Specialist who increased the dosage on the water pills and scheduled different tests.

Now you’re probably thinking all those water pills must have been a real bitch for someone who couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. And yes it is but remember I wear pull ups. I just increased the absorbecy…lol🤣!,,,

I have to watch out for sores and I have to use “butt paste” because I cannot get any sores whatsoever.

Well now I have been diagnosed with Lymphedema. Nothing is working .Water pills,layered ace bandages, and compression stockings. Oh and massages.For a month all techniques have failed. Did I tell you that I swelled up while each technique was being done???

Yep, I should be part of Research and Development.

The next step is Compression Milkers/Massagers. You wear these huge inflatable sleeves over your legs . They will massage or contract in a milking fashion for a pre set time. Right now I have indentations from leggings.the leggings are loose and should not be leaving any mark at all.. This is where I am aging my weight too.

I can’t walk much because my feet hurt so much. I need to walk to lose weight. It is a catch22 or 21.

I’m done.

I am taking all of my toys and going home.. Fuck this!!😥

As if having Aggressive MS wasn’t enough, I had to add Lymphedema to the mix. Oh you don’t know what that is? Let me “dumb-it” down for you. I am not saying you are dumb , I am just helping you understand it. I do encourage to research it further.

I had to research it because I was not familiar it and now I’m being told that life is going to change. My husband was getting instructions on how to do certain things while I was still answering questions.

See my feet had begun to swell up and no one knew why. I was taken off all of my medications and each one reintroduced separately. I had CT scans, MRI, ultrasounds and countless blood draws. Each one ruling out certain things. Now mind you my feet were swollen but now my legs were as well.

Water pills were kind of helping but not enough to be considered the cure all. We figured out that it wasn’t my heart or circulation. It was getting harder to walk and I can’t even explain the tightness in my legs. My bones felt like someone took a sledge hammer to them. I was then told that whatever it was ,it was MS related.

My primary care physician sent a referral to a Vein Specialist. Now mind you I am no longer able to wear shoes or even socks. My feet look like I am related to the elephant man. They are red and painful. The skin is extremely tight. Sometimes my legs will swell up to the groin area. Mere clothes are torture for me.

Fourteen years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had went in for my yearly exam and the Dr had felt a lump. He immediately scheduled for a biopsy. It was a whirlwind from there. I was scheduled with specialists and surgeons. This isn’t something I wanted to deal with because I had just lost my dad.

So I had a total lumpectomy performed. They also removed all of my lympnoids removed from my right side. Everything under and behind my breast was removed. I was also scheduled to go through six sessions of radiation just to make sure that there was no cancerous tissues or cells missed. I would have a session of chemotherapy before and after the radiation.

Well because of that surgery you are at risk of getting Lymphedema. All it takes is a traumatic event, injury or whatnot to occur to trigger it. Well mine was the blacking out and falling due to the Aggressive MS. Now I have both to live with.

I told you earlier that my husband was getting instructions on things. He will now be wrapping my legs since I am unable to make sure that wrapping is done correctly. You have to loosely wrap the leg with gauze wrap. Then starting at the toes you use a 4″ ACE bandage and wrap tightly. You overlap slightly, when you get to the end you begin a 6″. You keep going until you reach the upper thigh. You are doing what they call “milking”. Trying to get the fluid to move off the bottom where it has settled.

I then have to be fitted for compression socks and stockings. I also have to have these compression pumps fitted. I have to constantly apply lotion to everywhere. I have to readjust my diet. I am forever on water pills. I have to constantly watch.

So now my ms therapist will have to work closely with my lymphedema therapist. A regular schedule has to be arranged with the visiting nurses. My immune system is really compromised, more than it was with MS. My diet is really strict and I even more Dr. appointments are scheduled.

My husband didn’t ask for this. I am exhausted. I am still trying to get adjusted to MS. I’m tired. I am losing myself in this process. Oh and let’s add the virus into the equation. I only leave the house for Dr appointment. When I do get around people I worry about the flu. We didn’t ask for this..Enough is enough.

Sooooo…..

The term “American” is changing as well as the definition. It is becoming more and more difficult to find reasons to not despise those who are in charge.

Since when do we permit looting and violence to occur? Oh, that’s right, they were hurting from the death of a black man. The black man who was a drugged out thug. The thug who had been given the officers a hard time.

Oh, don’t get me wrong I don’t condone what the officers did to him. They should be held accountable for their actions. I believe that they should not be permitted back on the force until they are dealt with accordingly.

I feel all police officers be mandatorily equipped with body cams. And dash cams. Those cams are to be running at all times. No excuses and no exceptions. They are also to have tasers and pepper spray. Pepper spray is to be used only if they are being approached by a threat. Tasers are to be used as a deterient of a exiting person.

Whatever happened to the police being able to shoot perps in their knees? Or if they aren’t, then let them shoot them in the ass cheeks!! Either way they are not going to be killed and they will survive. It is not a kill shot. It can be fixed. It will stop them in their tracks. Also, start letting the dogs loose a lot sooner. The dogs are a perfect deterient.

Each and every day I am embarrassed to say that I am an American. I refuse to watch the news, more so than I ever was. I usually have the TV on just for the noise. I used to love watching the cooking shows and the oldies like “Green Acres and Bewitched” but even those channels are being invaded by the news.

Our country is an embarrassment and we have nothing to brag about. We refuse to admit that a millionaire republican is doing a good job at running the country. He is turning the shit upside down and it needs to be. Democrats are pissin and moaning because they hate change.

These are the same people who have been in the seats for over 30 years. That my friend must end. We must vote in “Term Limits”. Everything else has it. They get complacent and tend to forget what and whom is important.

2020 is going to go down as the weirdest and toughest year ever. Our president was ending ties with certain countries that were abusing our kindness and starting business with countries that deserved assistance. We had an all time low in unemployment and the stock market was rallying.

And then we were hit with a life threatening pandemic that was killing people off by the thousands. It still is… Our entire country was shut down. I am still quarantined.

During this time police officers killed a black man who was resisting arrest. That led to a group of people taking over a six block area surrounding a police station. This area is now deemed a separate city. We have officials who are ignorant and who are glorifying the actions of those idiots.

Then you have the blacks that are now screaming for reparations.. ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS!!!?

Oh and let’s not forget that they want to defund and demolish the police force..

Time to arm yourself and build a underground bunker. Because the inbred illiterate idiots are definitely breeding and THAT is a problem!!

Let me tell you about myself.

I have vented, ranted, went on a rampage, cursed and used humor. I have told you about my current situation and about certain things that have happened to me. But I am seriously considering writing a book so I am going to use you as a sounding board. My book shall be titled, “Yet I rise”.. Allow me to explain.

I did not rise above the ashes, so I am not the Phoenix. However, I did rise above the blood and broken bones, so therefore I am the Bitch!!! No matter what I have been through, I rise.

I have been dragged through hell by my hair and yet I rise. I have been thrown out of a moving car yet I rise. I have flown through a windshield of a car yet I rise. Hell kicked me out for causing too much trouble!!! Yet I rise!!

I didn’t come from a very loving home. We moved around a lot. We never stayed in one place long enough for me to make friends. My dad drank and my mom just didn’t care. I was the oldest of three. My sister and brother were innocent in every way and could do no wrong. I couldn’t stand them even at a young age.

We received no hugs in our home but we received ass whoopins. Even in school, we received them. I should not say we, because I was the sole recipient of this wonderful gift. My mother was relentless with the ass whipping. She used her wooden spoons, hair brushes or whatever she had. My grandmother made her a board that said “Board of Education” and she used that religiously.

If I got in trouble in school, I would get a spanking, then when I got home I received another one. As I got older, if I were to get into a fight with anyone well I better hope that I won because if I didn’t then there would be hell to pay with my dad. You didn’t lose a fight!!! You may get into trouble with your mother for fighting but you don’t lose a fight!! You best beat the fuck out of your opponent.

Or you got an extra ass whoopin with a leather belt from your dad.

Yet you never received a hug. Ever!!! Our family was n a huggy family. We ate dinner together but that is all we did together as a unit. You ate what was on the table or you sat there until you d. My mom would wrap it up and save it for your breakfast and so on. Because you didn’t waste food. You just had it saved for you on the next meal. Don’t even think about adding ketchup to it either!!

I always had the feeling that I was not liked. My mom was really hard on me and not on the other two pissants that lived in the house. They were supposed to do chores in the morning before breakfast and school but they would find so many excuses to get out of them. Leaving me to pick up the slack because you couldn’t leave the milking.

Cows don’t wait and chickens don’t wait. So I can’t make them wait. I have to get all the chores done before I can leave for school. Regardless if my siblings are doing their part or not. Generally those assholes would sleep in because they just did not want to get up.

They would do the same thing when it came to the afternoon chores. Playing was far more important than the chores. My mom would rag my ass and I was just a little kid. The entire time my siblings would taunt the hell out of me, even though they were young.

The anomosity has extended from the childhood to the adulthood. Except now I am not forced to talk to them. Ever!!! They both use people for whatever they can get. They lie, cheat, use, and are just plain evil.
I know that I can sleep at night with a clean conscience. I have a beautiful heart and soul, whereas they are ugly through and through.

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