Yesterday I took my mom in law to her Keytruda infusion session. This was the first one in a few weeks. I have not been able to take her because of my own health issues. I geared up in my braces and made sure that I had my hot pink walker along with me. My dear husband went a long with me because he had some errands to run and I am glad that he did.

I know that she loves me taking her to these visits and I enjoy being there for her but I am not sure if I will be able to keep it up. It takes all of my energy to make it through the day. I will continue to do it for as long as I can. She needs to know that I am here. I know that you need to have someone sitting there with you while you are getting your infusions.

You need the support and just knowing that you have someone sitting there with you so that you are not alone. Because for some reason you feel so alone once you sit down in that chair. The minute you are attached to the iv the feelings change. You can be in a room full of people who are receiving the same thing as you but you are feeling so alone.

All I do is get her a glass of water and a warm blanket before she gets started. I ask her if she wants anything to eat. We may talk or may not. It is the fact that she has someone who is there. Generally we do talk. We talk about everything and anything. I grab her magazines that she may like. We love to gossip.. Lol.. Usually she falls asleep for a little while.

Granted there is no telling that she feels that way but I know how I felt and I believe that I am one of the strongest person I know. I know that she is too. She is very strong and does not ever complain about a thing. If I never complain and I am struggling then what is she going through that she is not admitting to anyone?

We struggle in our own way, in our own private hell. We feel that it is our own issue and we need not bother others with the little things. Sure we will reveal enough to make others feel better but we don’t let go of it all.

For me I get tired of thinking. It’s exhausting. You wouldn’t think it would be but it is for me. I will sob from pure exhaustion because I cannot comprehend my own thoughts and feelings. Just existing is exhausting sometimes. I want to tell someone how I feel but the words are lost somewhere. I then feel alone even though I am not.

Everyone has their own life and they are busy but don’t give up on the ones who are struggling with an incurable disease. They may tell you that they are doing fine but please remember that they are dealing with it every day. It is not going away. They are waking up to it and going to bed with it. They never get to walk away from it.

I have two daughters. One who is no longer talking to me and the other who is hypochondriac and is always dying so we are dealing with her ailments not mine. I love them unconditionally no matter what. I exist to no other family members. But I inherited my husbands sisters and I am the lucky one there..!!!

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