Yea I have told you about my girls before but now I am going to go into it a little deeper. I am going to dig into my comedy bag and stay away from the depressing stuff for a bit. It is not going to be pretty but it will have it’s moments of funny. It may even be a moment when you see your own life and I may even be able to prevent a pregnancy here or there!!!
I always wanted girls. I never wanted boys. What the hell was I think?!?! Girls are high maintenance and they are monsters. They are the true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They are not sugar and spice and everything nice. They are pure evil. They are messy and little piggies. They are imbalanced and bipolored multi personality shit heads.
Sure they start off cute and sweet but that shit doesn’t last long at all. You get maybe a couple of years of that but trust me those maniacal little minds are in motion the whole time. (since birth!!!) They are always thinking, always up to something. You can never trust them, never turn your back on them. Especially if you have two or more of them. They are evil!!!
My three year old chubby cheeked precious little girl hit her five year sister in the head with a empty 2 liter pop bottle “just because” on the day of her kindergarten school pictures. She had a nice shiner!! Which meant I was called in as well as CPS. I had to bring in “Bruiser” with me because I didn’t have a babysitter. When they asked me how my oldest daughter got her blackeye, my youngest proudly proclaimed that “I did it!!!”… Case closed but it would not be the last time I was visited by CPS because of those two battling heathens!!!
The oldest one told her sister that she could make it snow inside the house. But she would have to clean it up when it did. She said a bu if words that was jumbled and told her sister to close her eyes and sing her favorite song. But she couldn’t peek because then it would not happen. (they had bunk beds at the time). Her sister was on the bottom singing and once she was done she could open her eyes. She did and she was so happy!!!! She came running out into the living room screaming that her sister made it snow!!! I smelled the baby powder and knew… I seen the cloud of dust…. Her sister came out smiling with two empty bottles…
School pictures one year : one cut the other ones hair while she slept. There was no fixing it… Even taking her to the salon was not an option.
School pictures another year : one did the other ones makeup with permanent magic markers. It didn’t come off for days. Make up didn’t cover it because it was on thick. Was the revenge act for the hair cut.
Oh yeah and when they started their monthly cycle…. Lord have mercy!!!!! RUN!!!! In fact, I will give their significant others hints and warnings on how to handle and approach them when it is their “time of the month”. I feel that it is only fair that those poor men have a head start or at least a safety net when it comes to dealing with the scariest time of the month. Those poor men don’t have a chance in hell.
I let them know what to look for and what to ALWAYS have on hand and NEVER EVER RUN OUT OF!!!! Each daughter has different moods and requires different kinds of treats, as well as different ways of handling. I have lived it for years and survived so who better to give them the inside scoop??
When growing up my youngest was a neat little girl who cleaned up her side of the room and did her chores. I never had any problems with her. Well her first words were “bitch bitch bitch”. She was not afraid to say what was on her mind. She had no filter at all!!! (that’s how I knew she was my daughter). Now she is a mess. She has two daughters who rule over her. She is the complete opposite of what she was then.
My oldest was a slob and she would wait until the last minute to do her chores. She would eat cereal out of a huge glass mixing bowl with a wooden spoon before she would do dishes. She was my rebel and I was constantly on my toes and getting calls. Now today she is a neat freak who is raising two fantastic kids. She is the complete opposite of what she was back then.
Back to the monthly thing.
I love my girls, don’t get me wrong. But this is where I would have traded them for boys. I would have given anything to have had boys!!! What the hell was I think wanting only girls?? Why didn’t I think this through? You got PMS, hormones, zits, makeup dilemmas, bad hair days, bloating, unable to locate anything to eat, indecisiveness on clothes, long baths, door slamming, huffing, unexplained silence, crying, hours on the phone, misunderstanding on my part, hatred towards you, more PMS, and more door slamming.
And let’s not even get started on shopping for homecoming and prom dresses!!!! That’s enough to put a mother into an insane asylum for sure!!! You can totally understand why some animals eat their young… It is at that moment when you truly pass on the “MOTHER’S CURSE”!!! You sit there and look at them and smile while you are silently reciting the incantation to yourself. You are slowly saying each word so that there is no confusion as to what you are doing. You just keep smiling. You close your eyes and say a calm AMEN…. and you wait…. LOL…
They ask you why you are smiling and all you can say is ” the fat lady has finally sung”…….. They don’t know what you are talking about but you do and that is all that matters…..