It has been a while since I have posted and that is because I am exhausted. It has been a week from hell. I could not have done it without my husband. I have had nonstop doctors appointments and I have gotten to the point where I just wanted to quit. I am tired. No more. But my hubby was right there with me saying that I could do this.

It all started because I was having a hard time breathing or what we call the MS HUG. But I was having it 4-5 times a week and it was lasting anywhere from an hour to an all day thing. I was told that it was a side effect of the MS drug I was taking. But my primary care physician told me to tell my neurologist about it. So I did. That immediately had me scheduled in to her office.

Hold on… I am getting ahead of myself…

I went in for my yearly physical. This was the biggie. I have to get all checked out. EKG, Mammogram, Pap smear, blood tests, you name it. All of my cancer testing are done. Every blood test imaginable is done.

Well when the EKG is done, they find a dead spot in the rhythm and another issue. This causes another problem. So since my cardiologist is retiring I have to find another. And not just any ole one but one that will be part of the special team. I get referred to one but told he’s a busy one so it may be a couple weeks before I hear from him. Well it only took two days!!!

So now I have an appointment with my neurologist, cardiologist, psychiatrist, therapist and God knows who else. My primary tells me that it is going to be a long road and she is not kidding. It is exhausting and extremely humbling. I am so damn tired and I wonder just how much I can take.

I have an excellent support team especially my husband but I am weak and I just struggle sometimes. MS is brutal and it is not a very nice thing to have. It takes all of my energy just to wipe my ass, then I have to sit there and get enough energy to stand up. Then I have to get enough energy to pull my pants up. Then I have to slowly walk out. I end up crying because I am exhausted. That is just going to the bathroom.

My husband says that there will come a time when he will have to wipe my ass and I got to thinking about it. No….. I would rather take a bullet to the head.

It’s bad enough that I am “diapering up” as he so jokingly refers it. That is a mess that I don’t wish on anyone. I am still able to get into the shower but still. I am not the person I used to be. I will never be that person. I am not ready to travel this long road. I am having more bad days than I am having good and that pisses me off. Because I am generally an optimistic person.

I am the one who has an upbeat attitude. But the past couple of days I just cannot find my positive attitude. I am so sorry for the way I am feeling. I cannot write, I cannot walk, I cannot eat, I cannot stand the smell of anything and I am so sore.

So I am going to end this blog for now. I am going to try and eat some soup and take a pain pill and turn in. I will return because this too shall pass.

I have a long road ahead of me and I just have to get my walker.

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