So I went through a stage of extreme bitterness yesterday. I know that with MS we experience mood swings and I hadn’t really paid much attention to it until yesterday. It was awful. I was angry, bitter, and resentful.
MS robs us of so much. It steals our independence and our sanity. I realized that I spend a lot of time looking out of the windows watching the world go by. I can no longer just go jump into one of my trucks and go somewhere. One truck is a definite no because it is way too high for me to get into even with a small ladder. I could never drag that ladder up into in order to get back out..
The other truck I might be able to get into but I wouldn’t be able to get back into once I got out of it.
I miss being able to just go places. I miss going to the little stores and finding treasures. My bestest friend and I would spend hours going to stores like Habitat for Humanity, Hospice, Salvation Army, Consignment Sales, Secondhand, and more.
My house is filled with a lot of treasures that I found. Sometimes we would have her truck filled with things that we found. Now I cannot go. I will get back there though. She still brings me things and I smile but it is not the same. I miss the treasure hunts.
We are planning on going to the time share here in the next few weeks and I am looking forward to it. However, my hubby and I usually walk the beach on one night. We find so many treasures when we do this. But this year I fear that I may not be able to accomplish this yearly tradition. My husband looks forward to this as do I, but I don’t have the muscle strength to make it through.
I may not be able to do much more than that but at least I will be at the beach. I can look at the beach and I can see my husband at the beach. I know that he is relaxing. For seven days we will be detached from the world. No work and no doctors.
I am so tired and I need to get a restart. I am exhausted and I have nothing left to give or say. My body is weak and just not wanting to do anything. I ache.
I know that I need to get a bunch of other tests done regarding my skull, hips, neck, and spine but I just need a break. I will get them taken care of when I get back. I just need a break. I’m tired.
I’m tired…….. Sometimes it’s exhausting to just exist.