Someone asked me to describe what having MS like. Explain to them what a typical day was like. I was glad that she took the initiative to ask me to do that. She could have researched it and come up with a half-assed explanation. I will answer any questions someone has.
Besides by her asking such a ” simple” question, it forced me to really dwell deep and really think about the question at hand. Because normally no one bothers to ask,for whatever reason. So I took a couple of days and really paid attention to “me”. I even took notes!!
Bear with me while I step backwards into time. When I divorced my first husband I made the decision to go to college. I wanted to obtain as much knowledge as I possibly could get. I started with certificates, certifications, and two Associates Degrees. Then I got a job as a quality control person and I was hooked.
I found another job in a steel stamping factory. My boss was awesome. He wanted me to get as much knowledge as I possibly could get at the company’s expense. I am a certified welder, I am a licensed EMT/First Responder. I am certified in CMM, a couple of other machines, certification in blue prints and R&D. I have my Associates Degree in QS9000/AS9001/TS1001. I have my Bachelor’s degree in Quality Engineering.
I have an Associates, Bachelor’s and Master’s degree in healthcare administration specializes in business.
Today I got stuck on stupid because I couldn’t remember how to brush my teeth. Last night I was eating dinner, my husband cuts up my portions into small pieces so I don’t choke. I have to pay close attention to what I am doing because I will choke. But last night I apparently was just staring at the plate. My husband looked over at me and asked me if I was ok?
I said in a really quiet voice ” I don’t know what I was doing?” I had forgotten how to use my fork but most of all , I had forgotten how to eat dinner. I get stuck on stupid alot. My husband has to help me a lot. To get dressed, off of the shitter, etc. MS STRIPS you of your pride. Fast and Fiercely.
But I am still here. I am stuck on the inside screaming to get out. I am still here. Yet the one who sitting in the chair isn’t me. I try to guide her in so many different ways hoping my help will boost her upward. I am her biggest fan and I know she can do it. But at times I don’t think she can hear me.
She very seldom cries but i cry a lot. No one else sees or understands her pain but i do. She can’t hide from me. If someone asks her how she’s doing, she will say ok. She knows that they don’t really want to know. It’s just pleasantries . It’s not a pain but more so an ache. Heartache. Of all of the things she took for granted. Things that her husband will not do.
Like shave her legs, bikini wax, paint her toe nails, apply moisturizing lotion her legs, shave her pits, pluck her whiskers on her chin, wax her upper lip,take her to get her hair did, help her with her makeup. I will get there by taking baby steps. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t pity me either. It’s not your fault and I am not talking about you here.
I would (have) give the shirt off my back. I have bought the groceries for someone who couldn’t because of money issues. I have paid a utility bill of an senior citizen so their power wouldn’t be shut off. I am never ask for acknowledgement because HE knows. Those people didn’t ask , I just did it. I would hope that if I ever were to need a hand,someone would be there.
This is where I say what I usually say each and every night.
God grant me the Serenity ,to Accept the things I cannot Change, the Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the Difference.
I still remember how to say this so that is a major plus if you ask me!!