Hi my name is Wendy and I am a first time caller, long time listener… (I have always wanted to use that line) 😊

Let me tell you about myself.

I have vented, ranted, went on a rampage, cursed and used humor. I have told you about my current situation and about certain things that have happened to me. But I am seriously considering writing a book so I am going to use you as a sounding board. My book shall be titled, “Yet I rise”.. Allow me to explain.

I did not rise above the ashes, so I am not the Phoenix. However, I did rise above the blood and broken bones, so therefore I am the Bitch!!! No matter what I have been through, I rise.

I have been dragged through hell by my hair and yet I rise. I have been thrown out of a moving car yet I rise. I have flown through a windshield of a car yet I rise. Hell kicked me out for causing too much trouble!!! Yet I rise!!

I didn’t come from a very loving home. We moved around a lot. We never stayed in one place long enough for me to make friends. My dad drank and my mom just didn’t care. I was the oldest of three. My sister and brother were innocent in every way and could do no wrong. I couldn’t stand them even at a young age.

We received no hugs in our home but we received ass whoopins. Even in school, we received them. I should not say we, because I was the sole recipient of this wonderful gift. My mother was relentless with the ass whipping. She used her wooden spoons, hair brushes or whatever she had. My grandmother made her a board that said “Board of Education” and she used that religiously.

If I got in trouble in school, I would get a spanking, then when I got home I received another one. As I got older, if I were to get into a fight with anyone well I better hope that I won because if I didn’t then there would be hell to pay with my dad. You didn’t lose a fight!!! You may get into trouble with your mother for fighting but you don’t lose a fight!! You best beat the fuck out of your opponent.

Or you got an extra ass whoopin with a leather belt from your dad.

Yet you never received a hug. Ever!!! Our family was n a huggy family. We ate dinner together but that is all we did together as a unit. You ate what was on the table or you sat there until you d. My mom would wrap it up and save it for your breakfast and so on. Because you didn’t waste food. You just had it saved for you on the next meal. Don’t even think about adding ketchup to it either!!

I always had the feeling that I was not liked. My mom was really hard on me and not on the other two pissants that lived in the house. They were supposed to do chores in the morning before breakfast and school but they would find so many excuses to get out of them. Leaving me to pick up the slack because you couldn’t leave the milking.

Cows don’t wait and chickens don’t wait. So I can’t make them wait. I have to get all the chores done before I can leave for school. Regardless if my siblings are doing their part or not. Generally those assholes would sleep in because they just did not want to get up.

They would do the same thing when it came to the afternoon chores. Playing was far more important than the chores. My mom would rag my ass and I was just a little kid. The entire time my siblings would taunt the hell out of me, even though they were young.

The anomosity has extended from the childhood to the adulthood. Except now I am not forced to talk to them. Ever!!! They both use people for whatever they can get. They lie, cheat, use, and are just plain evil.
I know that I can sleep at night with a clean conscience. I have a beautiful heart and soul, whereas they are ugly through and through.

Read more

You can pick your friends, you can pick your seat, you can even pick your nose but you can’t pick your family.

This is probably a good thing. You can however choose not to associate with them any longer. Which is the best thing ever!!! For example : the person that my mom gave birth to. I would not piss on her if she was on fire!!! I wouldn’t even throw gasoline on her because I couldn’t risk it putting her out!!

I would just stand there yelling “burn heifer burn!”

Yea, can’t stand her. Never want to hear her name… Ever. Nor her husband’s or her kids. If I were to ever see her again I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions. The same goes for my asshole brother. They are both all me me me. It’s all about what is in it for me. I will not do anything unless I get something in return.

Two faced, back stabbing, money hungry, going straight to hell, pieces of shit. I want to deliver them both to hell personally myself.!!

I was brought up to never hate anyone because hate is such a strong word but let me tell ya, I hate them!!! And I have reason to. And now she has the audacity to send friend requests to my daughters!! I have no idea what she is thinking. Both of my daughters have seen her in action and are appalled to say the very least.

I am okay without him or her being in my life. I am nothing like them and I just as soon not be associated with them. I have a heart and a soul whereas they do not. I am not sure who they get this from but if I had to guess, I would have to say from both sides of the family.

My dad only thought of himself until he got sober. He then was a completely different person. He was a loving and thoughtful man. But I digress and I will return to him in a few minutes. I have to remain organized here in order to make sense of it all.

My mom was a an only child and I believe that she had or was bi-polar. Maybe she was even a schizophrenic. You could actually see her facial changes in photos. I used to say that I was her favorite in cycles. She would go back and forth with me and those other two ass bags she gave birth to.

I dedicated my life to my dad when he was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. We knew that he only had two years to live and I was going to make sure that he lived it to the fullest. We made a “Bucket List” and started checking things off one thing at a time. I eventually moved in with him while I was still working full time as a Quality Engineer.

He wanted for nothing. He wanted to make out his will and the list of things he wanted everyone to have of his. He kept asking me what I wanted and I kept telling him, nothing. I am not greedy. I just wanted him to be here. Well he ended up leaving me his trailer (mobile home). No one else was helping me with dad.

Yet he left them with a huge item worth a great deal of money. My brother got his pride and joy, his tricked out GMC truck and boat. . My sister got his huge wooden carved out eagle and snowmobile. I made sure everything else was handed out to the grandkids and sisters etc.

I then paid all of his outstanding bills. I was the one who paid for the funeral and his cremation. My brother and sister refused to. I had to pay for the ashes before they released them to me. My sister took the envelopes that held money in them. They were meant for me.

Once that was done and over with, I was served with court papers stating that I was being sued and I was losing the trailer. My sister was accusing me if drugging my dad and getting him to sign the trailer over to me. She also stated that the will was forged.

I won’t go any further into the details but three years later and thousands of dollars in the hole, I lost everything. I had nothing. Everything that dad left me was gone. I was homeless, jobless, and penniless. I had no one. I had no idea what I was doing or what I was going to do.

All I did know was that I was filled with so much hatred. More than I ever thought I could be. Still today I despise that pig. I am still waiting for Karma!!

What the fuck Karma??? It’s been 14 years, what are you waiting for?? Come on!!!!!

Hello, Is anyone out there? Can anyone hear me?

I am now sharing my blog with everyone on Facebook and you no longer have to register your email to read it. So could you come on by and like what I have read?

I want followers just to see what you think of my blog.

Click on the ads so I can see what you think of them. I am still creating this blog. I would like ideas as well. I get paid by the click on the ads!!

I want to clarify a few things regarding my last post. It may have come across as a little harsh against my husband and I may have made it sound a little bit like I was mistreated.

I am not mistreated in the least. You must understand that MS is an extremely stressful disease on anyone and everyone who is going through it. It shows no mercy on anyone. It will take the strongest person and shred them to pieces. It will test your faith and it will make you question your choice in every decision you have ever made.

I try to do everything on my own in order to keep things from my husband. I don’t want to stress him out any more than necessary. He is a wonderful man and he treats me like a queen. He protects me from all that is evil. He overdoes it sometimes if you ask me.

He has placed me in a plastic bubble and or he wishes to. He can’t protect me from everything. He can’t afford to worry about me when he is at work however. It is a new job and he is doing great at it. He can’t afford to mess up. Once he gets his own route, then we can begin setting up appointments with my doctors.

I made it sound like I was missing all of them but I was just feeling sorry for myself and I wasn’t giving you the full explanation. Yet you should know better than that because Rick and I are soul mates.

We have the kind of relationship that if you ask a question be prepared for the utmost of honest of response. He’s one that if you ask him if these pants make my butt look fat, he will tell you the truth.. But I am the same way. I have told him that he looks like a brightly-colored sausage link..

So, yes I do need to lose a few pounds and yes it would be healthy not to mention helpful. When I fall, I will be easier to pick up. If he was to get hurt picking me up then he couldn’t do his job. And we need his income. He has a point.

However, he has to understand that the medication that I am on makes me gain weight and I don’t have enough mobility to lose weight. I want to be able move around but it is not that easy. I just want some understanding of what I am going through.

Just because you read it on the internet doesn’t mean you are an expert because everyone is different. Every ms patient is different. We are like snowflakes, no two people are the same. I have Aggressive Ms and I am unlike most patients.

I am not tired of this, I am exhausted. I haven’t had a UTI like most of them have had. I have not lost my vision like most of them have. I have made modifications to our house. I have a hospital bed coming in so I can get in and out of bed. I also have a power recliner due in. This is so I am not on the floor anymore.

I also have a Gait Belt and a Lady Pouch (urine pouch). This is so I can stop wearing diapers for a while. I can then give my skin a break. I will be able to apply ZINC cream to eradicate the urine from my skin. Kinda like a deep skin cleanse.

I am attempting to make his life a little easier and less stressful but mostly I am trying to make my life more adaptable and less stressful for me. My goal is to get my $2500.00 Alinker bike out and using it!!! I need to get moving.. I have to.

Then maybe I can drive again. Or at least pop the protective bubble that is surrounding me.

Careful what advice you give because they just may take you up on it and leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

Oh please don’t get me wrong, I am not a selfish person. I don’t ever ask for anything in return for the things that I do for someone. However, I kind of feel like I would like to be remembered for something that I have done.

In fact I feel like a heel just for discussing these things but I do need to talk about it. If I don’t, then I will continue to be eaten up by my own thoughts. I have to address things instead of burying them with the hopes that they will just go away.

I told or tell everyone including Rick, that he needed to trade in our car for a truck because I was no longer driving so I didn’t need it. He needed to go pick out a brand new truck that he loved. He would know it was made just for him the minute he sat in it.

I did when I sat in Moana. That is my 2000 GMC Sonoma 4×4 . I knew that she was made just for me when I sat in the drivers seat. It conformed to my body perfectly. The entire truck did. It had everything I needed and wanted. She was Shiny and Black and she sat high in the air. I fell in love immediately.

He found the same thing with Candy. The 2019 GMC Canyon . It has all the bells and whistles you can imagine. He can haul the trailer with the race car on it. He never had a brand new truck before. So he truly deserves it. He knew that the truck was made just for him the minute he sat in the driver’s seat.

I have told him and others that I refuse to allow him to sell the race car. It is his escape from me, the job and all of the other stress that is going on in his life. He has to have an escape from it. Me and my MS is and can be extremely stressful to handle. I say the same thing when I tell him to go on a fishing trip. And now he has begun to turn the second chassis into a open wheeled modified.

So now we have two race cars. We have a Sportsmans and a Open Wheeled Modified. I got a power recliner and a hospital bed. YEA ME!!! I think I got the raw end of the deal. Or so to say, I got fucked. The only thing that I have that takes me away from the stress is my appointments with my psychiatrist and psychologist. So why am I bitching??

How come no one is saying, Wendy needs to have something that is taking her away from it all. You can’t. MS is with me. It is me. And now with the Corno Virus 19 I really have to watch who I am around and where I am at. What used to be normal no longer exists.

I am supposed to be quarantined in my house to remain safe. I guess I will be “forever stay at home”.. I cannot be around anyone so no one can visit me. I cannot go anywhere. Well I could because I do have my masks and facial scarfs but it is a true pain in the ass to constantly load up my wheelchair. And to assist my fat ass up into the truck.

Sorry, I am feeling a bit blah because of the weight gain. It does a whammy to one’s self esteem. I will lose it once I get more and more of my mobility back.

It’s one thing to forget your grocery list at home, it’s another thing to forget how to walk.

Hi everyone. It has been a while since I have been here. I have taken a break from the blog because it was being used against me. My own words were being twisted around and misconstrued.

I use this blog to get things off my chest and just keep my sanity. Sometimes my blog is funny and sometimes it’s philosophical and deep. There are times when I say things that you are thinking but don’t want to say.

This is my safe place. My happy place. I welcome comments and debates are always welcome too. But you have to know me and my way of thinking before you can even begin to speak to me. But do not even be spiteful or mean. I have no room for small minded people or anyone who just wants to see me as miserable as they are.

With that being said, I will begin this blog.

So we are under a self quarantine due to the Covid 19 virus. I am not bothered by it because I am home bound anyway. I very seldom ever leave my house. In fact, I made the comment to my husband that the last time I left the house was in January for my Ocrevus infusion that lasted for 8HRS. Which means I have not left for three months.

We left to go get some sheet metal for the race car. It was a long drive and it was hard on me but I was glad to have gotten out of the house. I paid for it, trust me. Rick said my facial expressions on the way home said it all even though I wasn’t saying anything.

I don’t let on to much when it comes to my pain and illness. I have a hard time accepting it. I don’t want to appear to be whining or bitching. I am dealing with this issue and I hate it for all it is worth.

Since Rick is furloughed from his job, we have made appointments with all of my doctors and specialists. I have appointments with my primary doctor, Ms neurologist, (both of them), pain specialist, psychiatrist, psychologist and spiritual advisor.

I have a hospital bed ordered, a power chair ordered, elbow crutches and a gait belt ordered. I have a breathing apparatus to help me build up my lungs. There is a urine pouch being ordered as well.

My life has been changed since I have been diagnosed. And it is not ever going to be the same. I have to accept that. I am still falling once or twice a month. I am dealing with severe constipation because I only have a bowel movement once or twice a month.

I am so frustrated because I have gained some weight back. I lost 100 and gained 20 pounds back. I am so pissed about it. It seems like I just can’t seem to catch a break. I can’t take a diet pill because of my heart issue.

However, I will keep trying to get better. I have such a fantastic team of people. They call each other and discuss my treatment plan. I couldn’t be happier with them. They will have conference calls with one another and figure out what they are doing and what they want to do.

Now I need to tell you how MS changes you and your life.

You are humbled. Someone else to help you with pulling up your diaper (or what I like to call “my pull ups) . Helping you off the toilet. Possibly whiping your ass.(hasn’t happened yet). Helping you off the floor.

You need help getting dressed. Putting your sports bra on but first you need to get untangled from it because right now you look like a spazmatic zombie that is trying to give you hickies on your own titties. Either way it is not a pretty sight but it is a hilarious one!!!

You are one step away from having your eating utensils strapped to your wrist because you have an issue holding on to it. You can still feed yourself but you look like a infant who has just learnt how to use the big gurl spoon. You are holding it with your fist but you are holding it gawd-dammit!!!

And let’s not even mention what your toenails looks like.. Did you know that I trained my dog to paint my toes?? Sure did.. Yeppp… Lol… We do anything for a Klondike bar, he will do anything for a doggie bisquit.. The male whore!!

Oh speaking of sports bra…. Have you ever seen an exploded can of Pillsbury bisquits? Yea that’s what my boobs in my sports bra looks like in the morning… Scared the shit out of me the first time I woke up to them. 🤣

You lose your pride, your dignity and your independence when you have MS. You try everything you can to make sure that maintain these things but slowly you lose them. You have no control over this situation and that bothers you immensely. Yet the one thing that you lose to MS is friends.

That is the thing that hurts the most.

MS may have changed me but it didn’t change my phone number.

I am so sorry to have to finally admit that MS has beaten me down. It has gotten me depressed and irritated to where I no longer like who I have become. I don’t want to be around anyone either.

I am questioning if maybe I should go and seek help for a few days? I have lost all zest. I have found myself on the floor three times this past week and I have gained some weight back.

I don’t leave the house unless I am going to the doctors office. I go to the doctor and then back home. I don’t go anywhere else. Sometimes I am rushed there too. I watch the traffic. Sometimes my husband gets frustrated with me. He is rushed and impatient with me.

I did not ask for this. I don’t want this.

You truly realize all of the things that you take for granted. Things like, taking a shower, going to the bathroom, brushing your teeth, getting into bed, and more. But all of these are gone. My own independence is gone. I am unable to jump into the truck and go wherever and whenever I want.

Everyone else’s life has continued to go forward but mine has slowed down and I have been left behind. I feel forgotten. If I promised not to mention my handicap to anyone, do you think people would call or come over? Would they remember me more often than not?

I now have a complete understanding how some people who have MS can succumb to the symptoms and end it all.. It’s not about being selfish, it is about finding a precious moment of relief. It is not about being a hindrance to those around them, it is about a being a normal being.

I used to be the most optimistic person you could ever meet and I was also extremely humorous. Now I have a hard time with depression. I choose to remain silent. Silent and in the darkness.

My condition was described to a facility that was going to be doing my infusions as aggressive progressive and in a state of constant relapse. In other words, I get no relief.

I have been off any form of medication for three months now. I have been waiting for my insurance to approve my new medication (infusion). It is extremely expensive and brand new. But prior to the approval, I had to have numerous tests done. Extensive blood tests, Abrasive MRIS, EKGS, Mammogram and other tests.

Once you have the results back, then you get the insurance started towards the approval. Then we have to get started with the makers of the drug. They have programs that are available because the drug costs $65,000 per infusion.

You have one infusion, then two weeks later you have another one. Then six weeks later you have another one. Each infusion is six hours long. I can’t have my infusions done at my MS Neurologist because I have to be constantly monitored so I have to have them done at the Florida Cancer Specialist. Now I am waiting for them to call me with an appointment date.

That’s what I have been dealing with for the past month.

It is getting hard to exist.

I would give anything to just have someone who I could talk to about all of this. It is overwhelming but I am not seeking pity.

I have no patience or room for rude or stupid people in my life. Yet it seems like those are the ones that are multiplying by the thousands!!

It can’t be just me that has noticed this issue. There are more and more people who are exhibiting extremely high levels of stupidity? Oh, and let’s not forget about the rudeness that goes along with it.

Yet it is not necessarily designated to one particular age group either. I think that the senior citizens are becoming increasingly more so the ones who are the worst culprits. They are the rudest and the most ignorant. Not to mention the meanest people ever.

They say that the younger generation are the ones screaming for entitlements but is anyone truly listening to the “q-tips”? They are screaming just as frickin loud let me tell you. I don’t blame them because they truly deserve it but come on, you don’t need to be so damn obnoxious to others.

Especially when others are not to blame for anything that is happening to you. Or that they can’t help you with anything. Go ahead and bitch but leave it at that. I am not to blame and neither is the guy next to me so shut the eff up!!! Don’t keep bellyaching about something that I can’t fix.

Now, I may be younger than you but I am not taking anything from your social security. I paid into my own personal social security disability insurance. I built up my own account. I earned my own money. I have nothing to do with your shit. So DO NOT look down your noses at me at accuse me of bleeding the system.

I welcome you to walk a mile in my shoes, you toothless, white haired heifer. Who had the audacity to say “oh I was just going to get that door for you”. Then why didn’t you? You seen me struggling with it.!! Yet you boldly lie to my face!!

How can you live with yourself knowing that you didn’t help someone who was in a wheelchair attempting to open a door? You just stood there and watched. Granted I totally exaggerated my entrance because I seen her standing there with her smug expression.. Lol.. My husband was with me and I told him to stay back for a bit… I know, I know…

Did I forget to tell you that I am a big bitch? Yep I am.

I am not helpless but I am handicap. But I do not use it as a crutch. I still fight. I still fight for my independence. I still rebel as much as I possibly can because I refuse to allow MS to dictate how I live my life. I am still in control of what I do and how I do it.

I still attempt to walk without my cane, walker and wheelchair. Granted I may not get far and the end result is not what I want but I can still fight. It is when I can no longer fight, then I have to worry. Until then I am kicking and screaming.

This week I was pulled off a new MS drug called Aubagio because of major complications. I was on it for about five months and I had nothing but issues with it. So I was taken off it. Now I will spend the next thirty days getting my system cleaned up and ready for the next drug. I guess I will be self administering /injecting the drug. We shall see how it goes.

They are also making arrangements for speech therapy and occupational therapy to come to my house. I am unable to make arrangements for transportation so they are working with me. I have an excellent team of doctors and specialists.

But I don’t look sick. Thank you.

If I am sick then I must be on some serious pain medication. I am on nothing of the sort. I just hide it well. Because I am not seeking pity. I am just trying to survive. I just want to exist and your opinion doesn’t mean jack shit to me.

The relapses are robbing me of everything I have gained. I make progress and BAM!!! RELAPSE!!!!

I finally was able to get myself into my neurologist to get concerns heard. First we had to document everything and anything that was going on. You can not go into this with your thumb up your ass. You have to have all of your ducks in a row know what you are talking about. I refuse to look like an idiot any more than usual.

I want to be able to sound somewhat intelligent when it comes to my own health and well-being. I admit I do research on the internet but I do have my access to numerous medical libraries, thanks to my degree. But I am one of those geeks who actually reads the patient information that comes with the medications.

I read it front to back. You have to be knowledgeable and aware of what you are taking, and what it does to you. This falls in to the category of ” never sign anything until you read it” well “don’t take anything until you read it well!”. However, I go further and go to their website and seek out the side effects that they don’t have to list.

I seek out my journals and medical libraries. Thank goodness for my lifetime perks…🤣

So, the issue or issues that I have been having is whenever I eat, no matter what it is, within a half an hour I am trying to get to the bathroom. But with my MS I am unable to make it, thank goodness for diapers but mainly for the massive cramping that I get prior because it gives me enough warning to provide a heads up . I get a somewhat of running start if you will. Gimpy wabble..

But regardless,it’s explosive…

I have watched what I ate, cut the portions,what time I ate, you name it we have done it. I have taken over the counter medications to assist but nothing has changed.

Then there’s the copd/emphysema type cough. I have to have a mint or cough drop by me at all times because of severity of the coughing. It takes my breath away, it causes heart burn . But it’s not gerd or pneumonia. Both of these are side effects of the Aubagio (ms medication)..I have had nothing but issues with this drug since I was put on it.

Now today I have been officially released from it!!!

I will be trying self administering shots. (3× a week)

According to my ms Neuro this Aubagio is possibly to blame for my worsening of my other symptoms. They were being exhasberated a great deal. So maybe.. I mean I did have two good days in one month.. So that’s some,right?

I have been experiencing some other fucked up shit as well. My psychiatrist up and quit on me with no notice. She never filled my prescriptions on my last appointment and I was calling her to see why. I was emailing her to see if she could. I called her and they told me she was no longer with the facility. They told me that I could come in and start over with some one new or go elsewhere.

Either way it will be a long process. I was with out medication for an entire month. So I am crying or laughing uncontrollably for no reason. I am miserable. Now mind you I am being treated for anxiety, depression, insomnia and ptsd. So I have been off meds abruptly for a month. Add ms to the mix and I am a complete mess.

I struggle to just exist. It is exhausting to just exist. I am not generally a depressed person but I am not myself. I am so tired. I only get an hour of sleep a day and that is because I am so exhausted and beaten up from the MS. You add in the shit storm of crap that the ms meds are causing, I am a mess of emotions.

But I have scripts waiting to be picked up for my depression and insomnia. Thank God for my MS neurologist!!!

I hope for some normalcy..

This hasn’t been me yet I rise…… And I will continue to rise….

I feel guilty for the way my house looks like but I will get to it. I feel guilty for a lot of things.

I am tired of looking out the window. I am tired of sitting home. I want to be able to get some of my life back and possibly my friends back. But then again, if they were true friends they never would have left to begin with. So I am not sure if I even want them back.

I want me back….

MS takes a lot away from me but I want to let you know that I am still here.

It has only been six months since I have been diagnosed but it feels like forever. Life has been a frickin whirlwind for me and I live my life via a pocket day planner. I am constantly reading and researching everything I can regarding MS. Especially the medication that I have been prescribed (Aubagio).

I was on it before but I had to stop it because it reacted badly to the IV infusions. So now I have been on again for a month straight with no bad reaction. I didn’t have the hair loss, thank goodness. But I am not seeing any other wonderful things about it.

I wasn’t really hoping for miracles but I was kind of hoping for a little bit of difference in how I felt. But I still have the MS hug. I still have the difficulty walking. I still feel like I am in a flare all of the time. Out of seven days I have one decent day. The only thing is I don’t have to wear a diaper due to diarrhea blowouts and urinary accidents. That is a blessing.

I am blessed to have my husband by my side. He knows when I am having a hard time. He knows when I can’t get a breath. He knows when it is just a struggle for me to walk through the house. I can’t find the words to tell him because I can’t find the air. So I just lean my head on his shoulders and silently sob. I don’t have to say a thing, he just knows.

That happens a lot. My voice is taken away from me a lot. But he knows. He can read me. My eyes will tell you all you need to know. Sometimes my voice is slurred or it makes no sense at all. But he makes sense of it. We laugh at it but there is a lot of tears too, I won’t lie. I sob due to frustration, due to loss, due to pissed offness, due to achiness, hurt, loneliness and tiredness.

I am still here.!!!

I am still me!!!

I may be struggling but I am still here. I am learning how to live with this. Please don’t toss me aside. Don’t act like it doesn’t matter. Learn about it and ask me about it. But don’t ignore it. I wouldn’t do that to you. There’s no cure but I am not going to die from it.

I wish I could fall asleep as fast as my feet do. I wish I could get as much sleep as my feet do!!

So I went through a stage of extreme bitterness yesterday. I know that with MS we experience mood swings and I hadn’t really paid much attention to it until yesterday. It was awful. I was angry, bitter, and resentful.

MS robs us of so much. It steals our independence and our sanity. I realized that I spend a lot of time looking out of the windows watching the world go by. I can no longer just go jump into one of my trucks and go somewhere. One truck is a definite no because it is way too high for me to get into even with a small ladder. I could never drag that ladder up into in order to get back out..

The other truck I might be able to get into but I wouldn’t be able to get back into once I got out of it.

I miss being able to just go places. I miss going to the little stores and finding treasures. My bestest friend and I would spend hours going to stores like Habitat for Humanity, Hospice, Salvation Army, Consignment Sales, Secondhand, and more.

My house is filled with a lot of treasures that I found. Sometimes we would have her truck filled with things that we found. Now I cannot go. I will get back there though. She still brings me things and I smile but it is not the same. I miss the treasure hunts.

We are planning on going to the time share here in the next few weeks and I am looking forward to it. However, my hubby and I usually walk the beach on one night. We find so many treasures when we do this. But this year I fear that I may not be able to accomplish this yearly tradition. My husband looks forward to this as do I, but I don’t have the muscle strength to make it through.

I may not be able to do much more than that but at least I will be at the beach. I can look at the beach and I can see my husband at the beach. I know that he is relaxing. For seven days we will be detached from the world. No work and no doctors.

I am so tired and I need to get a restart. I am exhausted and I have nothing left to give or say. My body is weak and just not wanting to do anything. I ache.

I know that I need to get a bunch of other tests done regarding my skull, hips, neck, and spine but I just need a break. I will get them taken care of when I get back. I just need a break. I’m tired.

I’m tired…….. Sometimes it’s exhausting to just exist.