Careful what advice you give because they just may take you up on it and leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

Oh please don’t get me wrong, I am not a selfish person. I don’t ever ask for anything in return for the things that I do for someone. However, I kind of feel like I would like to be remembered for something that I have done.

In fact I feel like a heel just for discussing these things but I do need to talk about it. If I don’t, then I will continue to be eaten up by my own thoughts. I have to address things instead of burying them with the hopes that they will just go away.

I told or tell everyone including Rick, that he needed to trade in our car for a truck because I was no longer driving so I didn’t need it. He needed to go pick out a brand new truck that he loved. He would know it was made just for him the minute he sat in it.

I did when I sat in Moana. That is my 2000 GMC Sonoma 4×4 . I knew that she was made just for me when I sat in the drivers seat. It conformed to my body perfectly. The entire truck did. It had everything I needed and wanted. She was Shiny and Black and she sat high in the air. I fell in love immediately.

He found the same thing with Candy. The 2019 GMC Canyon . It has all the bells and whistles you can imagine. He can haul the trailer with the race car on it. He never had a brand new truck before. So he truly deserves it. He knew that the truck was made just for him the minute he sat in the driver’s seat.

I have told him and others that I refuse to allow him to sell the race car. It is his escape from me, the job and all of the other stress that is going on in his life. He has to have an escape from it. Me and my MS is and can be extremely stressful to handle. I say the same thing when I tell him to go on a fishing trip. And now he has begun to turn the second chassis into a open wheeled modified.

So now we have two race cars. We have a Sportsmans and a Open Wheeled Modified. I got a power recliner and a hospital bed. YEA ME!!! I think I got the raw end of the deal. Or so to say, I got fucked. The only thing that I have that takes me away from the stress is my appointments with my psychiatrist and psychologist. So why am I bitching??

How come no one is saying, Wendy needs to have something that is taking her away from it all. You can’t. MS is with me. It is me. And now with the Corno Virus 19 I really have to watch who I am around and where I am at. What used to be normal no longer exists.

I am supposed to be quarantined in my house to remain safe. I guess I will be “forever stay at home”.. I cannot be around anyone so no one can visit me. I cannot go anywhere. Well I could because I do have my masks and facial scarfs but it is a true pain in the ass to constantly load up my wheelchair. And to assist my fat ass up into the truck.

Sorry, I am feeling a bit blah because of the weight gain. It does a whammy to one’s self esteem. I will lose it once I get more and more of my mobility back.

It’s one thing to forget your grocery list at home, it’s another thing to forget how to walk.

Hi everyone. It has been a while since I have been here. I have taken a break from the blog because it was being used against me. My own words were being twisted around and misconstrued.

I use this blog to get things off my chest and just keep my sanity. Sometimes my blog is funny and sometimes it’s philosophical and deep. There are times when I say things that you are thinking but don’t want to say.

This is my safe place. My happy place. I welcome comments and debates are always welcome too. But you have to know me and my way of thinking before you can even begin to speak to me. But do not even be spiteful or mean. I have no room for small minded people or anyone who just wants to see me as miserable as they are.

With that being said, I will begin this blog.

So we are under a self quarantine due to the Covid 19 virus. I am not bothered by it because I am home bound anyway. I very seldom ever leave my house. In fact, I made the comment to my husband that the last time I left the house was in January for my Ocrevus infusion that lasted for 8HRS. Which means I have not left for three months.

We left to go get some sheet metal for the race car. It was a long drive and it was hard on me but I was glad to have gotten out of the house. I paid for it, trust me. Rick said my facial expressions on the way home said it all even though I wasn’t saying anything.

I don’t let on to much when it comes to my pain and illness. I have a hard time accepting it. I don’t want to appear to be whining or bitching. I am dealing with this issue and I hate it for all it is worth.

Since Rick is furloughed from his job, we have made appointments with all of my doctors and specialists. I have appointments with my primary doctor, Ms neurologist, (both of them), pain specialist, psychiatrist, psychologist and spiritual advisor.

I have a hospital bed ordered, a power chair ordered, elbow crutches and a gait belt ordered. I have a breathing apparatus to help me build up my lungs. There is a urine pouch being ordered as well.

My life has been changed since I have been diagnosed. And it is not ever going to be the same. I have to accept that. I am still falling once or twice a month. I am dealing with severe constipation because I only have a bowel movement once or twice a month.

I am so frustrated because I have gained some weight back. I lost 100 and gained 20 pounds back. I am so pissed about it. It seems like I just can’t seem to catch a break. I can’t take a diet pill because of my heart issue.

However, I will keep trying to get better. I have such a fantastic team of people. They call each other and discuss my treatment plan. I couldn’t be happier with them. They will have conference calls with one another and figure out what they are doing and what they want to do.

Now I need to tell you how MS changes you and your life.

You are humbled. Someone else to help you with pulling up your diaper (or what I like to call “my pull ups) . Helping you off the toilet. Possibly whiping your ass.(hasn’t happened yet). Helping you off the floor.

You need help getting dressed. Putting your sports bra on but first you need to get untangled from it because right now you look like a spazmatic zombie that is trying to give you hickies on your own titties. Either way it is not a pretty sight but it is a hilarious one!!!

You are one step away from having your eating utensils strapped to your wrist because you have an issue holding on to it. You can still feed yourself but you look like a infant who has just learnt how to use the big gurl spoon. You are holding it with your fist but you are holding it gawd-dammit!!!

And let’s not even mention what your toenails looks like.. Did you know that I trained my dog to paint my toes?? Sure did.. Yeppp… Lol… We do anything for a Klondike bar, he will do anything for a doggie bisquit.. The male whore!!

Oh speaking of sports bra…. Have you ever seen an exploded can of Pillsbury bisquits? Yea that’s what my boobs in my sports bra looks like in the morning… Scared the shit out of me the first time I woke up to them. 🤣

You lose your pride, your dignity and your independence when you have MS. You try everything you can to make sure that maintain these things but slowly you lose them. You have no control over this situation and that bothers you immensely. Yet the one thing that you lose to MS is friends.

That is the thing that hurts the most.

MS may have changed me but it didn’t change my phone number.

I am so sorry to have to finally admit that MS has beaten me down. It has gotten me depressed and irritated to where I no longer like who I have become. I don’t want to be around anyone either.

I am questioning if maybe I should go and seek help for a few days? I have lost all zest. I have found myself on the floor three times this past week and I have gained some weight back.

I don’t leave the house unless I am going to the doctors office. I go to the doctor and then back home. I don’t go anywhere else. Sometimes I am rushed there too. I watch the traffic. Sometimes my husband gets frustrated with me. He is rushed and impatient with me.

I did not ask for this. I don’t want this.

You truly realize all of the things that you take for granted. Things like, taking a shower, going to the bathroom, brushing your teeth, getting into bed, and more. But all of these are gone. My own independence is gone. I am unable to jump into the truck and go wherever and whenever I want.

Everyone else’s life has continued to go forward but mine has slowed down and I have been left behind. I feel forgotten. If I promised not to mention my handicap to anyone, do you think people would call or come over? Would they remember me more often than not?

I now have a complete understanding how some people who have MS can succumb to the symptoms and end it all.. It’s not about being selfish, it is about finding a precious moment of relief. It is not about being a hindrance to those around them, it is about a being a normal being.

I used to be the most optimistic person you could ever meet and I was also extremely humorous. Now I have a hard time with depression. I choose to remain silent. Silent and in the darkness.

My condition was described to a facility that was going to be doing my infusions as aggressive progressive and in a state of constant relapse. In other words, I get no relief.

I have been off any form of medication for three months now. I have been waiting for my insurance to approve my new medication (infusion). It is extremely expensive and brand new. But prior to the approval, I had to have numerous tests done. Extensive blood tests, Abrasive MRIS, EKGS, Mammogram and other tests.

Once you have the results back, then you get the insurance started towards the approval. Then we have to get started with the makers of the drug. They have programs that are available because the drug costs $65,000 per infusion.

You have one infusion, then two weeks later you have another one. Then six weeks later you have another one. Each infusion is six hours long. I can’t have my infusions done at my MS Neurologist because I have to be constantly monitored so I have to have them done at the Florida Cancer Specialist. Now I am waiting for them to call me with an appointment date.

That’s what I have been dealing with for the past month.

It is getting hard to exist.

I would give anything to just have someone who I could talk to about all of this. It is overwhelming but I am not seeking pity.

I have no patience or room for rude or stupid people in my life. Yet it seems like those are the ones that are multiplying by the thousands!!

It can’t be just me that has noticed this issue. There are more and more people who are exhibiting extremely high levels of stupidity? Oh, and let’s not forget about the rudeness that goes along with it.

Yet it is not necessarily designated to one particular age group either. I think that the senior citizens are becoming increasingly more so the ones who are the worst culprits. They are the rudest and the most ignorant. Not to mention the meanest people ever.

They say that the younger generation are the ones screaming for entitlements but is anyone truly listening to the “q-tips”? They are screaming just as frickin loud let me tell you. I don’t blame them because they truly deserve it but come on, you don’t need to be so damn obnoxious to others.

Especially when others are not to blame for anything that is happening to you. Or that they can’t help you with anything. Go ahead and bitch but leave it at that. I am not to blame and neither is the guy next to me so shut the eff up!!! Don’t keep bellyaching about something that I can’t fix.

Now, I may be younger than you but I am not taking anything from your social security. I paid into my own personal social security disability insurance. I built up my own account. I earned my own money. I have nothing to do with your shit. So DO NOT look down your noses at me at accuse me of bleeding the system.

I welcome you to walk a mile in my shoes, you toothless, white haired heifer. Who had the audacity to say “oh I was just going to get that door for you”. Then why didn’t you? You seen me struggling with it.!! Yet you boldly lie to my face!!

How can you live with yourself knowing that you didn’t help someone who was in a wheelchair attempting to open a door? You just stood there and watched. Granted I totally exaggerated my entrance because I seen her standing there with her smug expression.. Lol.. My husband was with me and I told him to stay back for a bit… I know, I know…

Did I forget to tell you that I am a big bitch? Yep I am.

I am not helpless but I am handicap. But I do not use it as a crutch. I still fight. I still fight for my independence. I still rebel as much as I possibly can because I refuse to allow MS to dictate how I live my life. I am still in control of what I do and how I do it.

I still attempt to walk without my cane, walker and wheelchair. Granted I may not get far and the end result is not what I want but I can still fight. It is when I can no longer fight, then I have to worry. Until then I am kicking and screaming.

This week I was pulled off a new MS drug called Aubagio because of major complications. I was on it for about five months and I had nothing but issues with it. So I was taken off it. Now I will spend the next thirty days getting my system cleaned up and ready for the next drug. I guess I will be self administering /injecting the drug. We shall see how it goes.

They are also making arrangements for speech therapy and occupational therapy to come to my house. I am unable to make arrangements for transportation so they are working with me. I have an excellent team of doctors and specialists.

But I don’t look sick. Thank you.

If I am sick then I must be on some serious pain medication. I am on nothing of the sort. I just hide it well. Because I am not seeking pity. I am just trying to survive. I just want to exist and your opinion doesn’t mean jack shit to me.

The relapses are robbing me of everything I have gained. I make progress and BAM!!! RELAPSE!!!!

I finally was able to get myself into my neurologist to get concerns heard. First we had to document everything and anything that was going on. You can not go into this with your thumb up your ass. You have to have all of your ducks in a row know what you are talking about. I refuse to look like an idiot any more than usual.

I want to be able to sound somewhat intelligent when it comes to my own health and well-being. I admit I do research on the internet but I do have my access to numerous medical libraries, thanks to my degree. But I am one of those geeks who actually reads the patient information that comes with the medications.

I read it front to back. You have to be knowledgeable and aware of what you are taking, and what it does to you. This falls in to the category of ” never sign anything until you read it” well “don’t take anything until you read it well!”. However, I go further and go to their website and seek out the side effects that they don’t have to list.

I seek out my journals and medical libraries. Thank goodness for my lifetime perks…🤣

So, the issue or issues that I have been having is whenever I eat, no matter what it is, within a half an hour I am trying to get to the bathroom. But with my MS I am unable to make it, thank goodness for diapers but mainly for the massive cramping that I get prior because it gives me enough warning to provide a heads up . I get a somewhat of running start if you will. Gimpy wabble..

But regardless,it’s explosive…

I have watched what I ate, cut the portions,what time I ate, you name it we have done it. I have taken over the counter medications to assist but nothing has changed.

Then there’s the copd/emphysema type cough. I have to have a mint or cough drop by me at all times because of severity of the coughing. It takes my breath away, it causes heart burn . But it’s not gerd or pneumonia. Both of these are side effects of the Aubagio (ms medication)..I have had nothing but issues with this drug since I was put on it.

Now today I have been officially released from it!!!

I will be trying self administering shots. (3× a week)

According to my ms Neuro this Aubagio is possibly to blame for my worsening of my other symptoms. They were being exhasberated a great deal. So maybe.. I mean I did have two good days in one month.. So that’s some,right?

I have been experiencing some other fucked up shit as well. My psychiatrist up and quit on me with no notice. She never filled my prescriptions on my last appointment and I was calling her to see why. I was emailing her to see if she could. I called her and they told me she was no longer with the facility. They told me that I could come in and start over with some one new or go elsewhere.

Either way it will be a long process. I was with out medication for an entire month. So I am crying or laughing uncontrollably for no reason. I am miserable. Now mind you I am being treated for anxiety, depression, insomnia and ptsd. So I have been off meds abruptly for a month. Add ms to the mix and I am a complete mess.

I struggle to just exist. It is exhausting to just exist. I am not generally a depressed person but I am not myself. I am so tired. I only get an hour of sleep a day and that is because I am so exhausted and beaten up from the MS. You add in the shit storm of crap that the ms meds are causing, I am a mess of emotions.

But I have scripts waiting to be picked up for my depression and insomnia. Thank God for my MS neurologist!!!

I hope for some normalcy..

This hasn’t been me yet I rise…… And I will continue to rise….

I feel guilty for the way my house looks like but I will get to it. I feel guilty for a lot of things.

I am tired of looking out the window. I am tired of sitting home. I want to be able to get some of my life back and possibly my friends back. But then again, if they were true friends they never would have left to begin with. So I am not sure if I even want them back.

I want me back….

MS takes a lot away from me but I want to let you know that I am still here.

It has only been six months since I have been diagnosed but it feels like forever. Life has been a frickin whirlwind for me and I live my life via a pocket day planner. I am constantly reading and researching everything I can regarding MS. Especially the medication that I have been prescribed (Aubagio).

I was on it before but I had to stop it because it reacted badly to the IV infusions. So now I have been on again for a month straight with no bad reaction. I didn’t have the hair loss, thank goodness. But I am not seeing any other wonderful things about it.

I wasn’t really hoping for miracles but I was kind of hoping for a little bit of difference in how I felt. But I still have the MS hug. I still have the difficulty walking. I still feel like I am in a flare all of the time. Out of seven days I have one decent day. The only thing is I don’t have to wear a diaper due to diarrhea blowouts and urinary accidents. That is a blessing.

I am blessed to have my husband by my side. He knows when I am having a hard time. He knows when I can’t get a breath. He knows when it is just a struggle for me to walk through the house. I can’t find the words to tell him because I can’t find the air. So I just lean my head on his shoulders and silently sob. I don’t have to say a thing, he just knows.

That happens a lot. My voice is taken away from me a lot. But he knows. He can read me. My eyes will tell you all you need to know. Sometimes my voice is slurred or it makes no sense at all. But he makes sense of it. We laugh at it but there is a lot of tears too, I won’t lie. I sob due to frustration, due to loss, due to pissed offness, due to achiness, hurt, loneliness and tiredness.

I am still here.!!!

I am still me!!!

I may be struggling but I am still here. I am learning how to live with this. Please don’t toss me aside. Don’t act like it doesn’t matter. Learn about it and ask me about it. But don’t ignore it. I wouldn’t do that to you. There’s no cure but I am not going to die from it.

I wish I could fall asleep as fast as my feet do. I wish I could get as much sleep as my feet do!!

So I went through a stage of extreme bitterness yesterday. I know that with MS we experience mood swings and I hadn’t really paid much attention to it until yesterday. It was awful. I was angry, bitter, and resentful.

MS robs us of so much. It steals our independence and our sanity. I realized that I spend a lot of time looking out of the windows watching the world go by. I can no longer just go jump into one of my trucks and go somewhere. One truck is a definite no because it is way too high for me to get into even with a small ladder. I could never drag that ladder up into in order to get back out..

The other truck I might be able to get into but I wouldn’t be able to get back into once I got out of it.

I miss being able to just go places. I miss going to the little stores and finding treasures. My bestest friend and I would spend hours going to stores like Habitat for Humanity, Hospice, Salvation Army, Consignment Sales, Secondhand, and more.

My house is filled with a lot of treasures that I found. Sometimes we would have her truck filled with things that we found. Now I cannot go. I will get back there though. She still brings me things and I smile but it is not the same. I miss the treasure hunts.

We are planning on going to the time share here in the next few weeks and I am looking forward to it. However, my hubby and I usually walk the beach on one night. We find so many treasures when we do this. But this year I fear that I may not be able to accomplish this yearly tradition. My husband looks forward to this as do I, but I don’t have the muscle strength to make it through.

I may not be able to do much more than that but at least I will be at the beach. I can look at the beach and I can see my husband at the beach. I know that he is relaxing. For seven days we will be detached from the world. No work and no doctors.

I am so tired and I need to get a restart. I am exhausted and I have nothing left to give or say. My body is weak and just not wanting to do anything. I ache.

I know that I need to get a bunch of other tests done regarding my skull, hips, neck, and spine but I just need a break. I will get them taken care of when I get back. I just need a break. I’m tired.

I’m tired…….. Sometimes it’s exhausting to just exist.

My MS stands for More Sarcastic… And that is not good for those who are around me.. It is not safe for anyone who is outside of my bubble..

I was going to write about how I was feeling so robbed in regards to the relapses. I was going to say that I pissed about how I just had a great day only to have a devastating day. I was going to say how much I despised the flares because they were getting worse.

But why waste the time and energy? The shit is going to happen anyway whether I like it or not. MS is a mean little, ugly ass, troll who just needs to be eliminated with gasoline or bleach. Something.

I hate trolls and gnomes!! They both creep my out!!

There was this one time I lived in an area and someone was placing gnomes in peoples yards. Each morning the gnomes would be some place else. Sometimes you would see them in a field. I am tell you what!! If I woke up and found those creepy Lil bastards in my yard, they would have found them in a busted and shattered heap of plaster!!!

Now I would have no problem with the flamingos when they were doing those!!

I even cringe when the Travelocity gnome television ad comes on!!

Wow. I totally went off topic. I blame you. I don’t know why but I know it is just your fault for some reason. You know why. Don’t you?

Sometimes my own sarcastic attitude shocks me.. Not enough to change mind you, but enough to say Wow!! And of course laugh.. You have to laugh at yourself right? That’s what everyone is always telling you to do. Those are the times when I believe that I am critiquing my craft… :).. And then there are times when I have to say “wow you are truly a bitch!”

Now imagine this.

I used to be a customer service manager at Walmart. I would sometimes work the service desk. Yea me. The mantra was “my credit cards are in my car and my cell phone is my pocket, just call my husband, he will know what to do”

I am one that hates shopping and cannot be trusted to shop. I used to go and get a 25lb bag of dog food and put it on top of the shopping cart when I was shopping. I used it as a push guard. I had no patience for anyone. I went in with an attitude. I didn’t care if you were young or old.

My family were always on high alert and waiting for the call from the police department for them to come bail me out.

So they were shocked to hear that I was working in a store, let alone a frickin boss.!!! Who would be dealing with people all day long. And I had to be nice to them. That was a thing to do. There are a lot of miserable people out there. They look for anything to complain about and they especially love to find a good reason to get something for free.

You would be amazed at how many people thrive on getting their rocks off on getting others fired from their jobs. It’s like they wake up in the morning and set up a goal. They are not happy until they get someone crying. Evil sunofabiotches!!!

So I am onto their game. They complain about the littlest thing and scream that they want to speak to their manager. That is when I roll up. However, I roll up with my manager who happens to be my best friend (no one knows that we are best friends because we are not permitted to be best friends because it is against company policies.) (so we have to keep it on the down low)..

I ask the cashier what is the problem and of course the asshole customer immediately interrupts and has to tell me how incompetent my cashier is at her job. She tells me how many mistakes the cashier did and how rude she was. I was looking at my cashier and I knew that the customer was full of shit.

The customer went on and on to the point where I finally had to shut down the register and pull the customer off to the side because she was causing a scene. She wanted this and I was not going to give her any more attention than that. I said I have had issues with the cashier before and I think that I needed to train her more. Now mind you she has been there quite awhile. Oh and I am the one who trained her.

I told the cashier to go ahead and punch out and go home. This thrilled the customer but little did she know that it was time for the her to go home.. Lol. She asked me what was I going to do with the cashier and I said that I was probably going to have to terminate her. You should have seen her face light up!!!! The frickin psychocotic heifer!!! I offered her a $10.00 gift card for her trouble.

She was pleased with that and walked out. She makes this a game and does this all the time. She came in a month later and went through the same cashier’s register. Never had a problem with her and never even noticed that she wasn’t terminated. Go figure!!!

Gawd I hate people!!!

Don’t be offended by the way I deal with this, we all have our own ways of doing things. Mine just happen to be weird and funny.

I am far from conventional. I am far from normal. Hell I would be offended if I was normal. I love my country and I love my Lord. I love my parents and my children. I love my husband and my friends. I love what family I have left. But most of all, I love myself.

I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t lose sleep if someone doesn’t like me. In fact I will sit my fat ass right down beside someone who doesn’t like me just to be a bitch. I am not here to please anyone. But I will defend myself and whoever I love.

I love confrontation and I will not back down from a fight. Conflict doesn’t bother me. I thrive on chaos. I hate bullying and I don’t care how big a person is, I will stand up to them.

I have been through anger management and had to pay restitution because I got back at someone. I would do it again. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I have a 4×4 truck and she is my baby. I bought her brand new. I had the word “BITCHIN” put across the top of windshield in bold white letters. The letters were 4″x4″.. My truck was black so it really set it off. My truck was high up too.

I was at a store one day and I seen a little boy read the word. His mom stormed up to me and told me that I should be ashamed of myself for what I had on my windshield. I asked her why? She proceeded to tell me that her boy had said that word. I told her that she should thank me because I just taught her boy to read!!!

I had an old lady tell me that I was going to hell and I said I had already been there and was kicked out for bad behavior.

So that is me….

That explains why I will not accept MS quietly and I don’t expect my husband to either. My husband calls me his “Gimpy Tard” and I am so okay with that. I think that we also need score cards for when I fall. I want to be rated on presentation, landing and creativity.

We can laugh when I get stuck on words and so many other things as well. We already have humor in our relationship and we will keep it. I requested it. I will never be offended by anything he says because I will have already had said it. If I can’t laugh at myself, who can I laugh at? There is already so much seriousness about this disease. We are bringing the humor in.

When I struggle to say what I want to say, we end up playing our very own version of charades. I just seem to point at things and try to mouth the words while he laughs his ass off in attempt to guess what it is that I am trying to say. I end up laughing as well.

Don’t get me wrong, he is right there to catch my tears when they fall. But that’s what makes them so much easier to do because we laugh, love and care for each other.