Today I ventured outside to get the stink off

So I sit in the house day in and day out think that I truly need to get out or I will go insane! But then I go out and I realize “What the hell was I thinking?! I mean there is the traffic, the rude people, and the rude people driving! !

I am not allowed to do any pit maneuvers, road rage techniques, bump and runs or any thing else that can possibly be misconstrued as road rage. Even though I have informed certain people the whereabouts of the location of m cred cards so that I can be bailed out of jail.

I have been diagnosed with manic depression disorder, anxiety disorder and panic disorder so what court is going to hold me? I am a living and breathing basket case that is 100% unstable!!! I can also cry on a dime and produce snot bubbles. I can so be realistic.. I can even drop into the rocking fetal position with the authentic sucking of the thumb! So don’t try me….

Anyway I seem to have went off on a tangent there didn’t I? Dammit all.. .

I purposely got out today to take my wonderful mom in law to her KEYTRUDA treatment. I haven’t taken her to it in a while because of my own health issues but I felt it was time for me to do so. It is my responsibility to make sure that she is being treated well.

For the past few treatments her hu has been taking her and even her daughter has taken her, which I think is great. They need to be a part of the process. I highly encourage every family member to go at least once. But I needed to get my fat ass back in there since I am here patient advocate. I am glad that I did .

It gives me the chance to “show my ass ” and defend her I make sure that she is not getting any unnecessary tests or prescription. I tell her oncologist things that she won’t say. I kind of tattle on her if you will. I kind of force them to explain tests to her in layman’s terms.

Let’s just say that I put the nurse practioneer in her place today. I told her more about mom’s condition and her test results then she knew. It’s my job to know things It’s my priority to stay on top of things, to stay informed.

No matter how bad I feel, I will always go to her appointments when she talks to her oncologist. I may not make it to the normal treatment ones but I have made sure that someone will be there with her. It’s my job. It’s what I promised the family..It’s not all about me, it’s about her.

It’s family and it’s what we do…. ..

Advertisements

What the hell people?

I had hoped for more when I started out on this new journey. I so hoped that more people would come in and comment on my posts. I assumed that my blog would be a major popular site. But I am somewhat disappointed. I have two dear friends who are hear but that is it.

However, I am not going to dismantle my dream because it has proven to be extremely therapeutic for me. And that is worth more than anything in the world. I get views so that is something.

I created this. I CREATED A BLOG!!!

🙂

So this is what my life has come to

First off, let me apologize for any misspelled words, words that are missing a few letters, or sentences that are ju plain missing words Apparently my tablet is deciding whether to not it wants to use or keep a word. Thank God I am n being attacked by a Grammar Nazi!!!

Trust me I will try to proof read my stuff but you have to remember, it is my stuff and well,it is my stuff and I will do what I want. Somedays I will and some eh…..

So today I got I got all excited because my doctor has determined that my handicap placard will be a permanent one instead of a temporary one. She mailed me the determination in the mail along with a letter. I was excited by this. This is what my life has become

It may not seem much to you but to me, it is a huge milestone. Now I must believe that I am one step closer to being approved for social security disability. I have been struggling with this for over three years and I am tired. But this time I am feeling so much different

Granted I was denied on the first go around but my newly hired attorneys are amazing and they only go with the cases that they know can win. I am going through a lot of things and seeing a strew of doctors and specialists. I have MS and it is reaking complete havoc on me. I am severely depressed and I have extreme anxiety .

I cannot function. I am not myself I need some relief. I need to know that I ok financially..I need additional insurance and not be told that I can work because I cannot. Why can’t they see that?

I am not faking it, I am struggling each day to just survive. But that seems to be a repeating theme in my life………. :(…… Just once let someone hear my pain and accept it. My doctors say it, my records say it, the tests prove it What more do you want Florida????!!!!!

A day lo brain fart

I apologize for not posting for a day or two I kind of lost track of time I have a tendency to do that lately. But then I have a tendency to forget h to brush my teeth. This is just one of the joys of having multiple sclerosis

I have had a few very bad couple of days. My dog sheds a lot and I have a hard time keeping up with sweeping up his damn hair. I have to really keep up with that, because now I am tripping over his hair balls that seem to be flying around in a tornado form when the doors are open.

I fell five times today and no one was here to score them, and that was bullshit !! Especially since I was doing my best impression of a turtle on his back!! I mean I was awesome. And no one seen it.

My damn worthless dog came to me and just laid by me, he never even tried to help me. What good he anyways? Oh and I think he’s out to kill me off. He’s laying right in my pathway. I have to walk over him. He used to be move and now he just lays there. In fact he waits until I get right above him then he decides to jolt up!

Asshole!!! He wants his dad all to him. He sees that I am ge a lot of attention from his dad lately and it is pissing him off. He is constantly walk by me giv me the “stepchild stink eye”.

Rick says he doesn’t see it and I am imagining it.. We will see One day he come home and find me all twisted up and broken on me floor. The dog will be on the recliner with me remote watching puppy porn smoking his puppy reefer. (the choppers have been flying over a lot looking for his stash). .. I’m just saying .

You never know who is dealing with depression.

To look at me you would not think about I was classified as a manic depressive person but I am. I also have an anxiety disorder with a side order of panic disorder. Plus touch that all with a load of PTSD. Yeah I am totally fucked up in the head.

But it didn’t happen overnight it took years to get this way and I had help I will give credit where credit is due here I have kept silent for so many years ab my depression but I can’t any longer. I need to get things off my chest and out of my head .I deserve the clarity. I deserve the closure.

I am sitting here in distress and those who have destroyed me have carried on w their lives acting as if nothing has happened. Life is a fair I am dying inside and they are living. They have no idea what they h done to me Or if they do, they don’t care. I am numb and dark. I am filled with hate and blackness

I want revenge .I need retribution I want to do to them what they did to me. Yet I have to be the bigger person here.

I am a survivor of domestic violence. Not mellow violence either but toxic, violent and dangerous abuse. There were so many times I didn’t think that I would survive the numerous episodes of violent outbursts. There were times when I didn’t get up right away but I had to because of my daughters

However there were so many nights when I prayed to God to just take my last breath because I just couldn’t take another hit. Just let me go, just end it peacefully.

I will end this for now.. …..

I am not a people person

So I hate people, yes I said it. I hate people. Hell I don’t even like my kids. I have to LOVE them but I don’t have to LIKE them.. And trust me when I say, I don’t like them.

I have never liked people and those who know me, know that I was never allowed to go get groceries alone if at all. This is because the results were never a good one. Everyone knew where my spare credit card was so that they could make bail.

You see, when I would go to the grocery store the first thing I would do was to place a 50lb. bag of dog food on the front of my cart. This was to be my bumper guard or what I like to call it, my “idiot buffer”.

I had no patience for people especially in stores. I didn’t care what age they were I did not discriminate per age, sex, blah blah blah. I hate everyone the same. I held nothing back when it came to how I felt about something. I generally said what everyone else was thinking.

So you would think that the worst job for me to have would be is Customer service in Retail !! Yep.. That’s what I was for five years. I started off as a cashier, then I went to customer service manager and then to the service desk. I stepped d to the desk because I couldn’t handle running from one end to another due to health issues

This job shocked everyone of my family in fact they were waiting to see me on the evening news. My husband kn that all of my credit cards were in my car in the center console just in case. My best friend knew the same thing.. 😅

Now please let me explain something. I am the queen of sarcasm So I was still able to get some dings in without some knowing it. But you have to remember that it was so frickin hard especially when you are dealing with ignorant, inbred morons.

For example, I had one idiot who brought in an item that was pure junk. It looked like she picked it up at the trash heap. It had no tags ,no paperwork, it wasn’t in our inventory and I couldn’t find anything to say that we even sold it.

So I informed her that I could not take it back, (which by the way was procedure per our policy) Well she threw a fit!!! Threatening to call corporate blah blah blah..I informed her that she was more than welcome to but I still was not going to be able to take it back.

She stormed off bitching and screaming causing a scene with her nasty ass return. The next thing I know about a half hour later here she comes with the store manager who informs that I am to return the item and, AND give her a $25.00 gift card!!! The gift card is for her trouble ! What the fuck?!?! Are you serious?!

So I do the return, I give her cash, which is against all procedures and I give her the gift card and I have to smile through the entire process. She is smirking too. Now just before she leaves she looks at me and says “Learn your place and never attempt to step away from your pay grade. The customer is always right ” GRRRRRRR. .. I despise the French Canadian snowbirds!!!!

The mothers curse

Let me start off by saying that the person who ever said that when your child turns 18, things will get easier is a frickin liar !! That lieing sumbiotch probably doesn’t even have a damn child yet he is giving child rearing advice! !! And making money doing it !! ‘The rat bastard….

I know for a fact that it has become harder since my girls turned 18!They have become more of a pain in the ass. I will admit to you right here in I will ignore them when I see their name on the caller ID. Yes I am a horrible person I just d want the drama.

They are more needy and more clingy since they moved out. I never had the chance to experience the “empty nest syndrome “if that tells you anything….. 🙂

But please don’t get me wrong, I love my daughters unconditionally and I would take a bullet for them. I would and I have beaten the fuck out of anyone who hurt them. However, I did not hesitate to place the ALMIGHTY MOTHERS CURSE upon them…. LOL..

Ladies you know exactly what I mean. We know how damaging it is, how scary it is and how it can be our version of Karma.. The smart-ass kids will only smile when they hear the most powerful sentence ever. Not realizing that the one sentence will change the life and will haunt them like they cannot comprehend.

I HOPE YOU HAVE CHILDREN THAT ACT JUST LIKE YOU AND I HOPE THAT I AM STILL ALIVE TO SEE THEM…… BOOM!!

To be continued ….

I might have it, but it does not have me.

On a serious note before I go any further. I am note saying that there won’t be jokes and sarcastic remarks..lol…Because there will be…it’s how I deal with the serious shit.

Over the years I have been plagued with health issues and not the nice ones either. Oh no,I can’t get those. I have to go big. I d catch a small cold, nope not me..

There will be time when I may not post for awhile or there may be some times when I post when I seem like a am not making any sense at all. I will start off decent en but then I will just slide off into a world of jibberish. Don worry I am not having a stroke, I am just going through a MS flare. The flare will entail a “fog stage” and I will just lose all sense of normalcy.

I w forget how to talk, how to use my tongue what I was saying, what I was thinking, and how I was going to express it.. I will get frustrated with myself and probably cry.. I may even walk away from the situation.

Let’s back track here..

I have a form of aggressive multiple sclerosis. It attacks the central nervous system. The link between my brain to my nerves is interrupted.. So I forget what I am supposed to do My brain says “pick up your foot” but my foot does not get that message so I end up tripping or falling.

This is just one example. There are so many. Things we take for granted on a daily basis. Things like bathing, eating, speaking, going to the bathroom, walking, standing, writing, comprehending instructions, carrying things, body temperature, thinking, and so much more…

You experience depression and anxiety. You struggle with panic attacks And you feel so guilty for not being able to do the things that you used to do. It ruins your self esteem not to mention your pride. You takes a long time to get diagnosed because the symptoms are often confusing and mistaken for so many others things.

It could be years years before you get a solid diagnosis. The struggle is real and it is long. I am one step from a wheelchair and I can no longer bath myself. I can barely dress myself and I can’t stand for more than ten minutes. I blackout a lot and I fall almost every day. Ihhave no balance whatsoever.

But you know what? The state of Florida says that I am able to work.

That is for another day.. … ..

Girls are pigs (part deux…)

So being the smart asses that my girls were, when I said that I would do it they thought that they were getting their room cleaned for free And technically they were right. Yet it wasn’t quite what they thought it was

When they left laughing for school, I backed my 4×4 right up to their bedroom window!! I took off their screen and their window.. I went to their bedroom with a brand new box of yard/leave size garbage bags. You know the ones, the black large ones?!

I then proceeded to “clean” their room.

When they got home they were all excited because their room should be cleaned and beds made. It should be smelling fresh and wonderful… Because they know how I am with spring cleaning

Boy were my Lil miss smart asses shocked when they seen how well I cleaned their room! There was absolutely nothing in that room! Well I can’t say that there wasn’t anything in there because I am not a monster.

Here is what I left :

A sleeping bag for each of them, a pillow for each, an extra blanket

Three sets of pajamas, five pairs of underwear, five different outfits.

They had their toothbrush, toothpaste, a towel each, a separate wash cloth each, shampoo and condioner.. In their bathroom.

They had brush and very little makeup, deodorant and other things.

That was it. No dressers, beds, desks, lights, computers or phone. Nothing!!

Now I am fair if they could tell me what I took and what they were missing exactly, I would gladly give it back

All of the items were locked up in the shed and I had the keys.

Trust me I NEVER had to tell them to clean their room again!

Girls are pigs

When I was raising my tw daughters – alone. Yes I was a single mom. I was a teenage mom but I will go into more detail later on.

I was attempting to raise two little precious girls. Ages 5 and 7 years old. Oh they were blond haired and blue eyed. Plus they had these chickmunk cheeks that just screamed “Pinch Me!!”. But I would advise everyone NOT to pinch them because both of those girls had such a frickin potty mouth and I have no idea where the hell they learned that shit from?!

Either way they both were not phased by any form of discipline to cease and desist the cussing. I tried bar soap, ,nope, they were ok with it. I tried liquid dish soap and they found it hilarious that they could fart bubbles!!!! I then changed over to Tabasco sauce on the tounge and yep you guessed it! ! The Lil bastards asked for cheese and crackers !

Anyways, girls are pigs. I would not let them have friends over unless we tied a rope around their waste. I had to be able to pull the poor kid out of the black hole when it was time to go. I was not going to be responsible for explaining to the parents as to why their kids picture was on a milk carton!!!

My girls couldn’t tell you what color the carpet was in their room for years, was there even carpet in there ? Well at least they had added insulation on their floor in the winter. Mid Michigan sure does get rip-nipply cut glass cold.

One spring day I began telling them to clean their room ,we were “Spring Cleaning”!!! Yeah!! Every day for two weeks I reminded them as I walked out the door to go to work .I wanted it done before I went on vacation. I had “plans” for them while I was on vacation and it was officially Spring Cleaning Time ! ! WOOT WOOT!

Well guess what my Lil piggies didn’t do? Yep you guessed it. They did clean up their room. So I said if you don’t clean up your room then I will do it for you. You guys remember that I am raising two smart-ass piggies right? OK….Keep that thought.

They get off to school and I tell them to have a great day .I put on some “KISS, ACDC, Boston” just to get me started…

To be continued………..