I am moving about as fast as a herd of turtles.

Yesterday I took my mom in law to her Keytruda infusion session. This was the first one in a few weeks. I have not been able to take her because of my own health issues. I geared up in my braces and made sure that I had my hot pink walker along with me. My dear husband went a long with me because he had some errands to run and I am glad that he did.

I know that she loves me taking her to these visits and I enjoy being there for her but I am not sure if I will be able to keep it up. It takes all of my energy to make it through the day. I will continue to do it for as long as I can. She needs to know that I am here. I know that you need to have someone sitting there with you while you are getting your infusions.

You need the support and just knowing that you have someone sitting there with you so that you are not alone. Because for some reason you feel so alone once you sit down in that chair. The minute you are attached to the iv the feelings change. You can be in a room full of people who are receiving the same thing as you but you are feeling so alone.

All I do is get her a glass of water and a warm blanket before she gets started. I ask her if she wants anything to eat. We may talk or may not. It is the fact that she has someone who is there. Generally we do talk. We talk about everything and anything. I grab her magazines that she may like. We love to gossip.. Lol.. Usually she falls asleep for a little while.

Granted there is no telling that she feels that way but I know how I felt and I believe that I am one of the strongest person I know. I know that she is too. She is very strong and does not ever complain about a thing. If I never complain and I am struggling then what is she going through that she is not admitting to anyone?

We struggle in our own way, in our own private hell. We feel that it is our own issue and we need not bother others with the little things. Sure we will reveal enough to make others feel better but we don’t let go of it all.

For me I get tired of thinking. It’s exhausting. You wouldn’t think it would be but it is for me. I will sob from pure exhaustion because I cannot comprehend my own thoughts and feelings. Just existing is exhausting sometimes. I want to tell someone how I feel but the words are lost somewhere. I then feel alone even though I am not.

Everyone has their own life and they are busy but don’t give up on the ones who are struggling with an incurable disease. They may tell you that they are doing fine but please remember that they are dealing with it every day. It is not going away. They are waking up to it and going to bed with it. They never get to walk away from it.

I have two daughters. One who is no longer talking to me and the other who is hypochondriac and is always dying so we are dealing with her ailments not mine. I love them unconditionally no matter what. I exist to no other family members. But I inherited my husbands sisters and I am the lucky one there..!!!

I am so hungry that I could eat the ass end off a dead skunk!!

This is a wonderful side effect of the frickin IV infusions that I have been enduring for the past three days. I just lost almost 100 pounds and I vow that I will not gain any of that weight back at all!! This gawd awful MS is ravaging my life has it is and I will be damned if I allow it to destroy anymore of my self esteem.

I will keep a big bowl of light popcorn near me to snack on and I will have fruits and vegetables in the house. I will swallow my pride and put on my cute little adult underwear and pump out the water. I will not beef up because of this infusion series. I was told by the hubby that he noticed my walk wasn’t as jittery as it was. I noticed that too. However, I am getting numbness in my hands and feet.

Now am I not only dealing with those side effects but I get to deal with the new side effects of the pill that I am starting. Did I tell you how expensive MS is!?!?! Yea it is frickin slap your gramma and steal her gawdy jewelry expensive!! Kick her dawg and steal the collar for good measure expensive!!

I thought the cancer treatment my mother in law was going through was jaw dropping, out of this world crazy but MS is coming in a tight second if not beating it, depending on the treatment you are going through with MS. This is where you can get extremely discouraged and depressed about your health and life because you just hear the costs and wonder how you are going to pay for it all. Then you have your health insurance and your health care. It is so overwhelming.

I pride myself on being the strong person who is generally there for others. I can take a lot. I will defend others no matter what it is. I pride myself on being able to understand and handle things that others cannot. I am usually the advocate for others. I am the one who will listen to the doctor and pay attention to what they are saying. I will fill out the paperwork and send it it. So that person doesn’t have to worry about it.

Now I am that person who has to have someone else listen to the doctor because I am not able to make sense of what they are saying. I have to have someone else fill out the paperwork for me and send it in for me. I still am strong, I am just struggling. I am still there for others, I just need the help of others myself.

I am not who I was but I am still here. I am still Wendy. I just have Multiple Sclerosis. I will always have it. There is no cure for it. I appreciate the ideas and everything that family and friends are throwing my way regarding this disease. I am trying each and every one of them.

I am not close minded and I am willing to try your ideas because you never know what might ease my symptoms just a little. If I can ease it a tad then it was worth it. I am just tickled that they are taking the time to research the disease and find out what it is and how they can help me. The more familiar they are, the more they can help me with this process.

Because believe it or not, I am still learning how to handle this damn thing. Each day is a new adventure for me. Not every day is the same. I am trying to adjust the best way I know how. I will not make excuses to you. I will tell you the truth. I get tired a lot and easily. I can’t do things like I used to. I want to see you and I miss you. Please understand that.

And with each new medication come new side effects. So I ask you to understand. I am struggling with more than I am telling you.

Hi, my name is Wendy and I have MS. But I also have M&Ms.

Boy that sure will get someones attention now won’t it? Please know that I am not willing to share either one of those with anyone. I am extremely greedy when it comes to my chocolate. I would not wish the disease on anyone either. You may be asking if I would wish it on my worst enemy and I would have to say No, because I have other ideas for them.

You see there are support groups and medications for MS. It helps ease the flares and triggers, some. I want my enemies to to have something like flaming hemorrhoids (actual flames!) that will not ever ease up no matter what they use. If they get any fluid on them, it will burn worse. Kinda like getting rubbing alcohol in a paper cut.

Did I fail to tell you that I am vindictive? LOL… LOL Yeah it’s a curse that I have come by naturally. These are just thoughts, you should hear what I have actually done to someone who has crossed me… Yes I admit my thoughts are dark but I am entitled. You would want to be my friend, trust me.

So I seem to have gotten off the subject. I hate when that happens.

Oh yeah, I have MS.

MS has its good points and its bad points. Granted there are more bad than good. But I am going to tell you about the good ones. I think that it is important for you to understand that I do embrace this disease. It is a part of my life whether I like it or not.

MS gives me the excuse to take a nap. In fact it gives me the excuse to take a lot of naps. Unfortunately I can’t because I have insomnia. Lol… But I do have those days when I overdo it and I may sleep over the next day. Or should I say over sleep? Well you know what I mean.

MS allows me the opportunity to get out of things that I don’t want to do. It is my own permanent personal hand written note from my mom so to speak. “Please excuse Wendy from blah blah blah because she has MS”. I can do it if I want to or if I can, it is solely up to me. ME!!!! 🙂

Then there is my newly created excuse. It is one that was brought to my attention by a bestest friend. It was said that I earned it and it should be titled “my fuck it”. We have an extra bedroom and it my craft room. Yet it also serves as a guest bedroom. I have to rearrange things when we have family come to our house for a few days. Generally I don’t mind but I haven’t been able to get into my craft room for a while now.

We have decided that because of my health issues, we are not able to entertain certain family members. I am not sorry about this decision and I will use this as a gift,if you will. My hubby is merely protecting me from things too. I can’t entertain nor can I do much. But I am not feeling guilty about it either. Fuck it!!!

I have MS and I have an attitude to match!!!

To be continued…… Lol

Every day that my name is not in the obituaries is a great day!!

So yesterday I had to have a bunch of blood drawn and what was really sad about the entire experience was that the friend of mine and myself knew more about the blood draw than the person who was actually doing it! Where do they get these people from and how do interview them?

But regardless we had a laugh and she was able to get the blood drawn without incident so..

I am tired of all the tests but I understand that it needs to be done. It just exhausts me so much and I am trying to maintain a good attitude throughout the process. I look around my house and realize that I need to get rid of some things. Box up stuff that is just collecting dust and since I am having a hard cleaning, well let’s get rid of the culprits.

If I don’t have any thing collecting dust, then dusting just got a whole lot easier!!

I am going to use my (rollator) walker with wheels, to assist me in vacuuming. I will sit down on it and scoot with the vacuum in front of me. I have a long hose attached to the vacuum cleaner so I can get it done. All I need the vacuum cleaner for is to get rid of the dog hair..

Plus the walker can assist me with the laundry. I can put a basket on the seat and move it to the laundry room back an forth. I will use the same basket to clean off the table and desk. I will take things to the appropriate place.

I can sit down and rest when I need to. I just need to get going. Once I get my braces and get going on a medication regime, I will be able to get some form of a system.

No one else is going to clean my house and I can’t have it go to the hell on me and become part of my depression. I will not allow it to be part of my stress because that will just aggravate my illness.

So I tried all of this and it worked. But I am paying for it now. It took me all day to try it out but at least I have a general idea of what I need to do.

If anyone has a problem with the way I am doing things then they are more than welcome to get their happy ass behind the handle of my mop and get to work!!!

The famous Mother’s Curse

As mothers day has come and gone, I have been reflecting on my own experiences as a mom and also as a daughter.. Each year I send my mom a mothers day card and a birthday card. The two days fall within a couple of days of each other.

Each day is a special day and each day gets a card and a check for $25.00. She sends me the same thing for my birthday, it’s a running gag that we have. Her thing is each day gets a separate present because they are separate occasions

I also call her on each day. Because she deserves to be called. I talk to her about everything and anything on those calls. She is my mom she deserves to be treated like a queen on those days. Even if I can’t be there, I will still make sure that she knows that I love her.

Granted she doesn’t do text messages nor does she have a computer so she doesn’t do emails. I still wouldn’t send her those. I would still send her the cards and I would call her .In fact she has dementia and has no idea who I am anymore but I still send her the cards and I call her.

She may not know me anymore but I still know her and I will continue to let her know that I am thinking of her. She deserves to know that. She is still my mother and I her daughter. That will never change. Even though she doesn’t remember to send me cards that is ok. I know that she would if she could.

It does hurt like hell that she does not remember me but just hearing her voice is enough because I know that there will come a time when I will no longer be able to hear her voice any more. I will have nothing but memories. So I will take what I can at the moment.

Now for the mothers curse…

My oldest daughter sent me a present and text Generally I only get a text. I usually get a text from both of my daughters, but I never get a card or presents. Yet this year I didn’t even get a a text from my youngest daughter. I want to say that I am ok with this set up but I am not. Each year is the same thing. And each time I am hurt.

However, each one of them have kids and they are close to their kids as I am. They do not think that their children will do this to them. They will not be hurt by their children. But they will be. They will be sitting there waiting for the mail to come

So let me be honest with you and break your little bubble. I will reveal the harshest part of the curse that no one speaks of.

When you don’t call your mom on those special days, it does break her heart. She may tell you that it is ok and it is fine. She is lieing to you. Yep, your mom lied to you!! She was waiting by the phone all day, she held unto her cell phone all day long just in case you called She never was too far away from her phone. She was hoping that you would have a few minutes, even seconds, to call her.

She may have said that it was OK that you didn’t send her a card but again she lied to you!! She was so hopeful each time she went to the mailbox that she would have a card waiting for her. But each time she was heartbroken..She bit her lip and acted like she was ok and strutted through her day. When her friends bragged about what they received, she smiled and said that they were so lucky.

When they asked her what she got, she lied..She either made up gifts or she made up excuses for how busy her children were in their lives..Either way she lied .All the while she was heartbroken and crying inside because she was forgotten by her children . The ones who she had always been there for and still is.

So silently she wishes that you go through what she does..That you experience the worse type of heartache ever. No mom or dad should ever feel this way.

So do me a favor and write your parents a letter and send them a $50.00 bill. You owe them way more than that. Tell them how you really feel, write from the heart and for God’s sake make it more than one damn page!!! This won’t lift the curse but it will make both of you feel so much better.. Your mom and dad deserve this much!!!

Hi my name is Wendy, first time caller, long time listener.

I despise technology. It has taken away all forms of sensitivity and compassion..The days of sending an actual card that you spent precious time and energy searching for the perfect one is gone. Now you just get a cold and meaningless text. Sure the person took the time to type it up and send it to you but that’s all. A mere ten seconds out of their lives spent on you. Don’t you feel special?

But what do you expect because a lot of things have changed. I remember getting a quarter when I lost a tooth. I then gave my girls a dollar when they lost a tooth. Now my daughter is giving her daughter $5.00 for every tooth she looses. I need to change my profession!!!

However, I recall having to cut my own switch (a stick from a tree) or my mom used a wooden spoon to discipline us when we were young..She used whatever she could find handy. I had a “board of education” that was made for me plus a used a wooden spoon. I also used a technique of holding a fifty cent piece up against the wall and if they dropped it then they got whooped

Now my daughter does the same as I did but I have one that does the time out chair, the talking thing and the expression. She has never laid a finger on her children and let me tell you, she is paying for it. The generation coming up is spoiled and out of control. My youngest daughter has bought her kids everything her kids have ever wanted. They want for nothing.

I am baffled and yet extremely disappointed.

Society wonders why the world is going to be hell. Really?!?!

It is because we don’t discipline our children and if we do, every Tom, Dick and Harriet is quick to call 911 and turn us in for child abuse. Even our own children have been programmed by the same society that is complaining that if your parents touch you, call 911!!Because that is child abuse and we can protect you.

If you yell at them, abuse. If you grab them, abuse. If you demand that they do a chore and take away their electronic, abuse. Parents cannot win and the children know this.

My oldest daughter tried that trick once. I told her to go right ahead and call. But I told her what was going to happen before they got there. I wasn’t going to jail for a measly spanking Oh hell no!!! If I was going to jail, I was going to fuck her up!! They would have to give her an enema just to get her teeth so they could identify her with dental records!! Then they would put her in foster care. I described what foster care was like. Going to her dad’s house was not an option so go ahead and make that call!!! !!

I silenced that young teenager real quick let me tell you. She never threatened me with that again and neither did her sister.

We have lost that control. We need to get it back. I brought my girls up to respect their elders and I raised them to hug and say I love you. But somewhere along the way I have lost them to technology They used to send me cards but once they became moms themselves I lost the sensitivity.. That’s ok though because I will have my revenge……

I know that when it comes time for them to receive cards ,they will understand how I feel. But until then I have to hide my pain and heartache. The will experience so many things from their kids that they are putting me through .. And all I can do is smile… .Because I placed that Mother’s Curse upon them when I said “I hope you have a kid that acts just like you!”

Happy Mother’s day to me!!! Happy Mother’s day to all of the Mother’s reading this!!!! United we stand….

It’s really sad when all I want to do is cry but I want to take a nap instead..Naps are far more important, crying can wait.

I apologize for not being around. Well I have been around, I just haven’t been able to type or do much of anything. Life has been crazy and pretty much a whirlwind for me. I won’t say that I haven’t cried because I have done a lot of that lately. Some from pain some from frustration and some from sadness.

I am still in shock of the diagnosis and the more I learn about the disease, the more I feel depressed about it. Multiple sclerosis is a defeating and demeaning disease. It will truly put you in your place It has no sense of humor at all and it thrives on embarrassing you whenever it gets the chance.

Ju when you think you are going to be OK with it, it smacks you in the face and says that you are going to do it the way it wants. I was blacking out as you know so my Dr immediately put in an emergency order for two MRIS.

I wasn’t able to leave that day until she received the results. The hard part was laying still for that length of time during the tests but I tried. It was started and restarted numerous times because of my muscle twitching. It took hours but felt like a lifetime.

I sat down with a couple of wonderful friends who were there for support while we waited for the results. Once they got the results, I was came back home and found that it was indeed Ms. I then had appointments sc with a MS neurologist who then scheduled an immediate lumbar puncture or spinal tap.

I was at the hospital from 7:30am until 4pm. This was because the neurologist had requested more fluid than normal be removed for testing. I had to lay flat all that time. The next day was horrible and horrendous..I experienced the spinal headache of all headaches. It is a week later and I am still not fully recovered. I have actually experienced total paralysis and that is new.

I have went and got fitted for my leg and back braces, will get those in two weeks. I have a half hour of blood work scheduled next week and then I have three days of iv steroids infusions scheduled for the week after that. We know that I have Aggressive Progressive MS. No one has seen this before so early on This is generally the most later of stages. My MS neurologist is baffled.

She is unsure of what to do and where to go from here. She is consulting with others. I just want a medication regimen so that I can get a some form of normalcy in my life. Right now I am living with multiple sclerosis and I am taking nothing for it. I am being treated for depression and anxiety but that is just a bandaid.

I am tired and I just want to cry I do get emotional about it. My mind says that I can do everything but my body says nope.. On my birthday I collapsed between my bed and the wall. I was there for over an hour and hour or more. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t call for Rick who was outside and I couldn’t get to the bathroom. It was humiliating and such an eye opener of what was to come.

My life is changing and my lifestyle has to change..I am not ready but I no longer have a choice.. MS took my independence and my voice. I still have my humor and I will bring it out more…. That I can promise you !!!!

I am going to say what you are thinking

What really irritates me to no end is when people post on social media to “pray for me” or s of that nature and then not say why. Why is it that you can’t say why you want everyone to pray for you?

People will pray for you no matter what, in fact, they are more than likely to be there for you if they knew why you were in such pain. People need to know what you need . Why must you remain so vague about it?

They do the same thing when they post statuses about how they are upset or angry. Yet they will go into great detail about what they had for dinner. Hell they will even take pictures of what they ate. They will tell you what their kids did to upset them or to make them laugh. Why can’t they tell us why they are in need of a prayer?

I would rather them come right out and state what is troubling them because they just might find out that they are not alone. They may find themselves in an elite group of people who can relate. This fact is not better than a prayer by all means but it does give you a circle of friends who are there for you.

Stop the guessing game and the pity party. Just come out and tell us what you need and why. What is so hard about that ? We all have had hard times and hardships. We all have had struggles. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to be weak and no one is going to look at you differently.

Learn to lean on your friends. Open up to someone.

Will the real Wendy please stand up..

I have been posting some serious stuff lately so I have decided to go a different direction with this post . It is ok to be serious but I need laughter to balance my life out. I have to talk about random shit just to crack myself up. Anyone who knows, knows that I am one of the most optimistic people you will ever meet. I have to keep that person in the front.

I am also a weird person .I say this because I am from Michigan and I can not stand Vernors pop. I can’t stand smores either. I don’t like root beer floats either.

I don’t dip or dunk anything in to any liquid of any sort No dunking of my oreos in my milk or my donuts in my coffee. I can’t stomach the soggy shit. Hell I don’t twist and turn my oreos so I can scrap off the cream of the inside of the oreo.

I have to have a cut up banana in my frosted flakes cereal..I have to have a teaspoon of sugar in my raisin bran. I totally believe in the perfect cereal and milk ratio. I, myself, have an extremely low milk to cereal ratio. I don’t like to try new foods and I will stick to the tried and true..I am a creature of habit.

Give me a faygo red pop or a frozen coke and I am in heaven. Throw in a package of sweet and hot jerkey into that mix and we are friends for life. If you don’t have that then give me some pickled bologna and really sharp cheddar cheese and man… Lol..

I can eat pounds and pounds of blueberries and concord grapes and not be affected. (you know what I mean by that statement).. There is no other taste than that of the morel mushroom. .Oh and smelt

I could eat tacos or nachos for every meal..

I absolutely love goulash and chili. Oh and soup of any kind..I can’t stand ketchup. Li I said before I cannot stand to dip anything in to anything.

I prefer my pizza cold .

I really don’t do leftovers however, there are those exceptions.

Calling me a bitch is one of the biggest compliments you can ever give me but you call me a cu*t and I see black and I will knock your ass out and not remember a frickin thing.

I love confrontation and will not back away from a fight. I am the queen of sarcasm. And thrive on knocking someone’s dick in the dirt. I despise bullying or domestic violence .I have quite a few credit cards so I am not afraid of the jail time.

I am so a dedicated friend who will have your back but fuck me over and .. Well….

Serving #6,985,845,433,001. Please step forward.. .

There are far too many times in your life when you feel like a number. Too many situations leave you wondering if all you are not important. You feel as if you are being herded in like a bunch of cows to slaughter. No name and nothing of importance to anyone in particular.

Who do you complain to about this though? Who will listen and what is even more important is ,who will even care? I have an excellent team of doctors specialists who are willing to go to the ends of the earth to help me. But even they are running into roadblocks with certain things and getting pissed off.

However, they will go to toe with m insurance company and even other specialists in order to achieve the best end result possible for me. So you know that a particular situation is ex berating when they voice their opinion about it

It’s ridiculous, not to mention frustrating when even they can’t get things accomplished. They have been attempting to get home care to come in to my house and fit me for my leg braces and bace. Plus they will be installing the carelink security “help I have fallen and can’t get up system.

The insurance company is quick to take the astronomically high deductible and the outrageous co – pays, oh lets not forget the need to file for bankruptcy deductible .But when it comes to permitting you to utilize any of the services, well good luck with that even with the required referral.

You jump through hoops they add small print that you can not read. You would not lie about this and why would your doctor?. But because there are so many dishonest individuals out there who have ruined it for the rest of us, we are paying for it.

And because of them,, I thank you for my delayed response for help.